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🧨 Zuck-on-Zuck: A real Indiana lawyer named Mark Steven Zuckerberg is suing Meta and Mark Elliott Zuckerberg because Facebook keeps deleting his account for “impersonating a celebrity.” His personal and business profiles have been suspended multiple times over the past 15 years even though he submitted driver’s license, professional ID and credit card info to prove he’s legitimate. His legal practice lost $11,000 in ad funds, countless clients and precious credibility while Meta apologized four times for mistakenly disabling him. Now he’s asking for money, a formal apology and a free weeklong vacation on Zuck’s $300 million, 387-foot yacht. Heck yeah!

The higher your hemorrhoid risk if you linger on the toilet like it’s a spa day. Doctors now say “three minutes max,” which means your bathroom isn’t a binge-scrolling sanctuary, it’s a ticking rectal time bomb. “One more video” is how civilizations fall … and colons, too.

✈️ Board to be wild: “Airport theory” videos on TikTok dare you to show up 15 minutes before boarding. Maybe you’ll get lucky with TSA PreCheck or a delay, but odds are you’re dropping $400 on a rebook and crying at a Holiday Inn. Most clips are staged. Real advice? Two hours domestic, three for international.

Walmart vs Amazon, round 92: Walmart+ just lobbed a grenade at Prime with its new offer of free Peacock streaming for members, starting Sept. 15. That’s Real Housewives, NFL and SNL, bundled into Walmart’s $98 plan, cheaper than Peacock’s $109.99 annual price. You can also swap between Peacock and Paramount+ every 90 days.

📺 Dolby Vision 2 announced: The next generation of TV picture quality is coming, going beyond HDR. It’ll use “Content Intelligence” (AI) to adapt your TV to what you’re watching and the room’s lighting. Think clearer dark scenes, sharper contrast, richer colors and higher brightness. Hisense will get it first.

That’s how many AI-powered cameras Flock has watching U.S. streets. The $7.5B startup’s small surveillance-tech empire is peeking at plates, bumper stickers and dents on cars from Atlanta to Anaheim. Think Big Brother, but solar-powered and subscription-based. Cops say it’s helped nail everything from ATM gangs to would-be shooters, but privacy watchdogs are freaking out.

Ring of suspicion: Oura announced a Texas plant to make rings for the Department of Defense. TikTok spiraled into conspiracy theories about Palantir “stealing” user data and Oura suing rivals into extinction. The CEO even hopped on TikTok to debunk them. 

The slice of students who question the value of college education due to AI. For the other 82%, tuition is still worth the price of ramen and crippling debt. Students treat AI more like a nerdy tutor than an academic hit man. Half say it muddies their thinking, a quarter say it sharpens it.