6 dead tech phrases you’ll never say again

50% off alert: My home security pick, SimpliSafe, is having a massive sale. When you get a professional monitoring plan, you get one month free! You don’t need to live in fear or worry about burglars when you’re not home. Get all the gear to lock down your home for half off.

The cost of the Cadillac Celestiq planned for production this year. GM is only making 25 of them. Who’d spend that kind of money on this awful-looking Cadillac? Speaking of … How do you get your Cadillac to the 2nd level of a mall? You use the Escalader. 

🔮 Pet psychics on TikTok: Suckers, I mean people, are paying up to $250/hour to have strangers “speak” with their pets (paywall link), alive or dead. According to one dubious Dolittle, a cat told its owner he’s “very handsome.” I saw a heavyset woman doing this with 220,000 followers. She’s definitely a four-chin teller. 

Attention, parents with small kids: Researchers found that parents distracted by their phones around kids under 5 can cause long-term issues. Think poorer cognition and behavior problems. Why? This is when little ones are developing critical language and social skills, and being ignored can seriously mess with that.

“I’d like to thank …”: Golden Globes is adding a Best Podcast category. The top 25 shows will be considered, and six will get nominated. No word yet on how they’ll pick the contenders. Pick me! 

🤲 Amazon’s touchy new robot: Vulcan has a “sense of touch,” which is either a sci-fi dream or the start of our future metal overlords politely handing us our orders. Amazon swears it’s “not replacing workers,” just lifting the heavy stuff so humans can … watch? For now, it’s just in Spokane, but Germany’s next.

That’s how much longer mice lived after a single dose of a protein called Klotho. They also aged better, with stronger muscles, denser bones and sharper brains. Human trials are still a ways off, but if it translates, we’re talking 16 extra years. Basically, it’s the closest thing to a youth potion in a syringe.

This leaves a mark: For the first time in over 20 years, Google searches through Apple’s Safari browser have dropped. Not a shocker. More people are using ChatGPT and Perplexity instead. Investors sold on the news, and Alphabet (Google’s parent company) lost around $250 billion in market value in a single day, or about the GDP of Finland or Portugal.