Welcome to a fun Friday, friend. 🥳 Microsoft turns the big 5-0 this week, cue the existential software update. The company behind Internet Explorer is now old enough to use Internet Explorer as its daily browser.  

From floppy disks to Teams fatigue, Microsoft is still working, still Word-ing … still pretending Clippy wasn’t a tiny surveillance device. But get this: Four other big tech giants from the ’70s are also still standing. Some reinvented. Some just … refused to leave. Think you could name all four tech companies? You’ll find the answer at the end.

👐 Today’s newsletter is free to you thanks to Incogni, my privacy secret weapon. They’ve wiped my info from 1,408 scummy data-broker sites, which sell it to anyone willing to pay. More about Incogni below. Let’s do this!  — Kim

Time for a little game I used to have on the show: Brand New or Not True.

Here’s how it works: There are five AI tools for you below. Some are legit. Some are the twisted inventions of my caffeinated brain.

Think you can tell which is which? It’s a fun Friday!

Let’s play.

🐾 PetGPT – Ever wish your dog could text you back? This AI claims to decode pet behavior so you can “chat” with your furry friend like a modern-day Dr. Dolittle.

      Real or Fake?

⚖️ AutoLawyer – Upload your parking ticket or legal beef and get a full-blown AI legal defense, complete with courtroom-ready arguments. 

      Real or Fake?

🍿 SnackMuse – You type in your mood (“bored but spicy”), and AI spits out the perfect snack idea, complete with a recipe.

      Real or Fake?

🎶 Suno – Type a prompt, get an original song from AI. Melody, vocals, lyrics, emotional damage delivered in 30 seconds or less like a Domino’s breakup anthem.

      Real or Fake?

🕯️ GrieveBot – This AI clones the voice and personality of a deceased loved one, so you can “talk” to them after they’re gone. 

      Real or Fake?

🕵️‍♀️ Drumroll, please…

🐾 PetGPT – Fake. But give Silicon Valley a week and someone’s gonna raise $8M to build it. I want it. I’d love to ask my puppy why she spends 20 minutes walking around in circles outside just to find the perfect place to poop.

⚖️ AutoLawyer – Fake. AI can assist with legal research, but if you walk into court with a ChatGPT brief, you’re probably leaving with extra charges and a restraining order.

🍿 SnackMuse – Fake. But if someone doesn’t build this, I will. I want my serotonin snack generator, and I want it now. 

🎶 Suno – Real. Terrifyingly so. You can now generate songs faster than you can cry to them. Artists, start sweating.

🕯️ GrieveBot – Unfortunately real. Project December and Replika let you talk to a text-based revenant of someone you’ve lost. Who needs therapy when you can pretend your loved one is stuck in a computer somewhere? 

If this felt like a dystopian Shark Tank pitch, good, because it sure felt like one writing it. This is AI in 2025, and it’s only getting weirder. Nothing makes sense, but it also kind of does. Reality is optional. Sanity is deprecated.

Want more brain-melting AI nonsense in your inbox? Hit reply and vote yes. I’ve got dozens more tools that make these look like Microsoft Paint.

💸 There’s not an app for that: If you’re one of the 150 million who rely on Zelle, listen up. Their stand-alone app is gone and won’t process your payments. Head over to your bank’s app, and you’ll usually find Zelle under the payments tab. If you’re part of the 2% who actually have the Zelle app … congrats, you now have a historical artifact.

Gmail’s getting more secure: Google’s making it way easier for businesses to send encrypted emails. Before, you had to deal with something called S/MIME, which was a pain to set up. Now? Just turn on the Additional encryption option when drafting an email. FYI: It only works within your company, so yes, your boss can finally encrypt that calendar invite you’ll ignore.

ChatGPT can make fake receipts: Yes, like real store or restaurant receipts. From scratch, the math might be off, but if you ask it to recreate an existing one first and tweak the prices of items, it works. What does OpenAI say? They’re not worried, since every image includes a “C2PA metadata” tag showing it was made by AI. Like that’s hard to remove.

😱 A coworker poisoned her drink: Imagine feeling sick every time you sip something at your desk. That’s what happened to a woman in Wisconsin. She noticed a strong chemical smell and suspected someone was messing with her drinks, so she set up a hidden camera. Sure enough, she caught a dude at work spiking them with super glue! HR really needs a new category between “verbal warning” and “call the cops over an attempted poisoning.”

🚨 50% off alert: My home security pick, SimpliSafe, is having a massive sale.* Get all the gear to lock down your home. You’ll sleep better at night.

Watch Netflix on your TV? You’re now getting access to way more languages for subtitles and dubbing. The TV version used to offer just five to seven options, but it’s been upgraded to show the full list — just like on your phone or browser. So yes, you can finally watch Bridgerton with Spanish dubbing and Korean subtitles if that’s your thing.

📦 The flying chain saws are back: Amazon’s drone deliveries have officially resumed in College Station, Texas, and Tolleson, Arizona, after a two-month break. Why? Dust. Yep, good old-fashioned dust was messing with the drones’ altitude sensors. There weren’t any incidents, but Amazon hit pause to be safe and fixed it with a software update. 

📈 Want to go viral in 2025? Talk about tariffs. With President Trump making it a hot topic, regular folks want to know how it’ll affect their jobs and everyday prices. Just ask comedian Walter Masterson (paywall link). He posted a debate about who really pays tariffs on beans and corn (Spoiler: not foreign governments), and it became his biggest hit with millions of views.

🚘 Life is a highway, might as well ride in style.

• This small car vacuum (34% off) sucks up dirt and crumbs in a flash.
• Flat tire? You can pump up anywhere with a portable tire inflator (37% off).
• Got tiny humans in the backseat? Get a travel tray table (20% off) to keep your little passengers entertained.
• Forget the car wash! Just spray and wipe with this car care kit ($35) for a shiny finish.
• Keep your phone handy but safe with a car mount for your iPhone (19% off) or Android (75% off).

🚦 Don’t brake now: Cruise over to my page for even more amazing useful gadgets to upgrade your ride.

⚡️3-second tech genius: Reopen a closed browser tab. Press Ctrl + Shift + T on a PC (or Cmd + Shift + T on Mac) to bring back the tab you just closed. Think of it like “Oops” recovery for when your multitasking turns into digital whack-a-mole.

🔑 From fob to phone: Got a newer car and phone? You might be able to add your car key to your digital wallet. Just use your car’s screen or app and follow the steps to link your phone. Check if your car model works for Apple or Android. Now you’ve got a backup if you lose your physical key.

Déjà vu is over: Posting one at a time on social media eats up your time. Tools like Buffer, Hootsuite and Later make it easy to schedule posts for your biz with just a few clicks. Try out the free trials to see which option you like best. Work smarter, not scroll harder.

Hackers can steal your home: With just a forged signature, cybercriminals can take out loans in your name, drain your equity and leave you with the mess. Click here to get a free home title history report, when you sign up using code KIM. You’ll also receive a free 14-day trial of their Million Dollar Triple Lock Protection.*

📞 Spam callers? They’re the worst. “Potential spam” is not the mystery adventure your phone thinks it is. Stop your phone from ringing for numbers you don’t know. For iPhones, go to Settings > Apps > Phone > Silence Unknown Callers and toggle it on. On Android, open your Phone app > Settings (three dots) > Blocked numbers and toggle unknown to on. 

⏩ Reelly speedy: You can now watch Instagram Reels at 2x speed, like on TikTok and Netflix. Just hold down anywhere on the left edge of your screen or above the heart on the right side while watching a Reel. You’ll zip through it without missing a beat. Bless the algorithm for realizing we’re all too impatient for anything longer than 15 seconds.

The answer: The big four are Apple, Oracle, Advanced Micro Devices and Intel. It’s like a 50-year high school reunion, but instead of Botox and awkward hugs, it’s legacy code and billion-dollar server farms.

Some of these OGs reinvented themselves into sleek, cloud-powered empires. Others just dug in, refused to pivot and somehow still cash enterprise checks like it’s 1999. 

Either way, surviving five decades in tech is no joke. 

🥰 Microsoft’s bday reminds me of the time I interviewed Bill Gates … and what my mom said after.

Years ago, I landed an interview with Bill Gates. I was beyond excited and so was my mom. I was single at the time, and she was always on the lookout for my perfect match.

The interview itself? Not exactly a spark fest. Bill gave short, one-word answers and swayed back and forth like he’d rather be debugging Windows 3.1. 

Right after, my mom called me, breathless: “How’d it go?!” I told her, “Mom, it was rough.” 

She paused, then came back with this gem: “Honey, with that kind of money, we can fix anything.” Moms. Gotta love ’em.

3 minutes to get your privacy back: That’s how long it took me to set up an Incogni account. Try it yourself with my 60% off link, exclusively for my readers. You’ll be so glad you did. I’ll see you right back here tomorrow with more tech smarts. 

✌️ Thank you for letting me in your inbox with the best tech newsletter in the USA! You’re now officially the tech genius in your friend group. Go flex. — Kim

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