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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
 Posted - 03/04/2012 : 18:00:20
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At a college football game a student was challenging a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for the older generation to understand the younger generation.
You grew up in a different world. the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our space ships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric cars, high speed computers, cellphones, and er, uh" Taking advantage of pause in the students litany, the elderly gentleman said, Youre right, We didnt have those thing when we were young, So we invented them, you little twit! What the heck are you doing for the next generation?
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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1506 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2012 : 20:37:29
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twelve or more thumbs up, Seadog!!!
I wish I would have thought of that. I could have used it about a gazillion times.
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 03/20/2012 : 17:47:03
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Another one for us "Oldies but still Goodies."
Robert's Wedding
Robert,85 married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, Her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again
ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year old ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, His young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert. Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: You mean I was here already?
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The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9260 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2012 : 14:00:14
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So I took off her shirt. Then she said "Take off my skirt". I took off her skirt. "Now my bra and panties". I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again".
BMThe Silver Haired TechNot to complain about my love life, but the last time I felt sparks I was getting tased by the cops. |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9260 Posts |
Posted - 05/18/2012 : 10:37:32
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"Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Loozianna Cajuns ain't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius".
BMThe Silver Haired TechIt's not easy being a parent these days ... Texting in all caps just doesn't have the same impact as good old-fashioned YELLING! |
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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1506 Posts |
Posted - 05/18/2012 : 12:32:18
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| If that genious is looking for work, I hear Washington, D.C. is due for a remodel. |
Edited by - dontknowsquat on 05/18/2012 12:33:02 |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 05/18/2012 : 15:45:52
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quote:
Originally posted by dontknowsquat
If that genious is looking for work, I hear Washington, D.C. is due for a remodel.
I think lowering the city about 30 feet below the surrounding countryside might work, especially if the rivers are left in place. |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2476 Posts |
Posted - 05/21/2012 : 13:39:57
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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago (when welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I called a suicide hotline.
I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck.
Folks - we're screwed!!
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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1506 Posts |
Posted - 05/21/2012 : 13:45:21
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| Did they say, "Hello. My name Patty."? |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2012 : 11:30:41
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
Lillian Carter (Mother of Jimmy Carter
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Primrose |
Edited by - Primrose on 06/13/2012 11:33:33 |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9260 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2012 : 14:44:05
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An old woman is sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says "I love you so much I dont think I could live my life without you." Her husband replies " mmm honey was that you or the wine talking?" She grinned and said..." its me silly....talking to the wine!!!"
BMThe Silver Haired TechI just thought of a good way to spice up my funeral ... I'm hiring a ventriloquist. |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2476 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2012 : 13:44:57
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been
married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife
to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her
husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and
quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the
husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a
week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9260 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2012 : 14:28:53
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A new survey says that a third of Americans believe we've been visited by extraterrestrials. I hope the aliens didn't look in Washington D.C. for intelligent life. I'd hate to see them come all that way for nothing.
BMThe Silver Haired TechI just thought of a good way to spice up my funeral ... I'm hiring a ventriloquist. |
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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1506 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2012 : 21:07:41
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Pro is the opposite of con. Washington, D.C. proves this to be right because progress is the opposite of Congress.
dontknowsquat
field promoted to knowssomesquat
by XHI and BillMSenior on March 8th, 2012
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9260 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2012 : 11:26:45
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THANK YOU, DKS!
You just gave me a new signature.
BMThe Silver Haired TechPro is the opposite of con. Washington, D.C. proves this to be right because progress is the opposite of Congress. |
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