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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
 Posted - 07/21/2011 : 14:41:34
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MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL - talk to you louder!
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9264 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2011 : 20:21:29
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HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV.
BMThe Silver Haired TechInvest in Precious Metals. Buy Lead. Support the Second Amendment. |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2477 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2011 : 05:57:07
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MrKite
Senior Member
2477 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2011 : 13:59:27
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9264 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2011 : 14:02:03
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Joes wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while in the kitchen. Whenever she would start a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, obviously hurt, asked, Whats the matter, Joe? Dont you like my singing?
Honey, Joe replied, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know Im not beating you.
BMThe Silver Haired TechInvest in Precious Metals. Buy Lead. Support the Second Amendment. |
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gwing
Junior Member
493 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2011 : 17:10:29
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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2011 : 21:38:04
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A South African, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The bouncer says, "Sorry, guys: I can't let you in without a Thai."
Respectfully Submitted
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Everyone is entitled to my opinion |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2011 : 07:49:28
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A good one Xhi.
Seadog |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2011 : 19:28:35
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The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?' |
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gwing
Junior Member
493 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2011 : 17:32:32
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9264 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2011 : 13:09:18
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Yesterday I was at my local Petsmart buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 12 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Petsmart.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
BMThe Silver Haired TechInvest in Precious Metals. Buy Lead. Support the Second Amendment. |
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vinylking
Intermediate Member
701 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2011 : 18:43:50
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| I like it!! |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 09/15/2011 : 08:19:57
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While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road
and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a** put him up there to begin with."
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9264 Posts |
Posted - 09/15/2011 : 19:55:35
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A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
He heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin' everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
BMThe Silver Haired TechI don't iron. If I'm not wrinkle-free, why should my clothes be? |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 09/16/2011 : 07:48:31
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quote:
Originally posted by BillMsenior
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin' everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
BMThe Silver Haired TechI don't iron. If I'm not wrinkle-free, why should my clothes be?
Good one!
cwsnyder2
Freedom from religion is an oxymoron. |
Edited by - cwsnyder2 on 09/16/2011 07:49:52 |
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