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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
 Posted - 06/21/2011 : 12:12:40
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The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective Boudreaux to investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. Dey is three main groups in this rooster fightin, he began.
Good work. Who are they? The sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, Texas Aggies, Cajuns, and de Mafia.
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, How did you find that out in one night?
Well, he replied, I went down and done seen that rooster fight in person. I knowed them Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight.
The sergeant nodded, I'll buy that. But what about the others?
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, Well, I knew Cajuns were involved when somebody bet on de duck.
Ah, sighed the sergeant, And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?
De duck won.
BMThe Silver Haired TechIf those Terminator movies have taught me anything, it's that hybrid technology is a risky business. |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2476 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2011 : 14:05:41
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2011 : 15:00:32
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| ROTFL |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2011 : 13:55:26
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I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old
granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid.
I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of
unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
BMThe Silver Haired TechIf those Terminator movies have taught me anything, it's that hybrid technology is a risky business. |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2011 : 12:30:58
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I bet it does. And so does the year of unemployment she predicted.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2011 : 13:45:34
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| Unfortunately, I think her prediction will hold true! |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2011 : 14:00:03
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It's not her prediction it's his. He's the one whose shadow is being seen outside the White House. Solution: Never let Obama's shadow near the White House again.
Respectfully Submitted
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Everyone is entitled to my opinion |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2011 : 15:20:53
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Well, if the REAL GOP would put forth an EXCELLENT candidate, your wish might come true. Unfortunately, the good candidates are sitting 2012 out.
BMThe Silver Haired TechIf those Terminator movies have taught me anything, it's that hybrid technology is a risky business. |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2011 : 14:05:37
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I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President of the United States.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there.
So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.
Her parents proudly beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her.
"But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.
Tell you what - you can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
How about doing something wonderful like that?
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
BMThe Silver Haired TechIf those Terminator movies have taught me anything, it's that hybrid technology is a risky business. |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2011 : 14:38:08
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Respectfully Submitted
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Everyone is entitled to my opinion |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2011 : 15:15:42
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
BMThe Silver Haired TechI married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2011 : 15:18:05
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno "
BMThe Silver Haired TechI married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2476 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2011 : 13:34:24
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow is killing me. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes about ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2011 : 14:34:42
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A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, The A.I. man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady,'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Nice to see a blonde win once in a while.
BMThe Silver Haired TechI married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2011 : 12:04:02
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on the bridge?"
BMThe Silver Haired TechI married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. |
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