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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1505 Posts |
 Posted - 03/29/2010 : 10:42:09
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Here is a real groaner.
Is a computer repairman's favorite snack chocolate chip cookies? |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2010 : 13:27:34
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| No, it's Fish & Chips! |
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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1505 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2010 : 23:07:52
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| That works for me. |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 04/08/2010 : 12:01:34
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Senior Wedding
Jacob, age 92,and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a
drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 04/29/2010 : 06:04:10
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Another oldie joke, somehow they are getting less funny.. 
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Primrose
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 04/29/2010 : 14:26:43
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Primrose,
At least you remembered the punchline! |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2010 : 18:13:26
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A Minister told an 80 year old woman that, at her age,
She should be giving some thought about the here-after.
She said to him, I think about it many times a day.
Oh, really? said the minister. That is very wise.
Its not a matter of wisdom. She replied,
Its when I open a drawer or closet, I ask myself,
What am I here after.
Seadog |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2010 : 18:28:42
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A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctors office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously she was standing as straight as she could be.
A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement, My goodness what did the doctor do to you? The old lady replied, He gave me a longer walking cane.
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Edited by - Seadog on 05/16/2010 18:30:05 |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 05/17/2010 : 06:57:14
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
Primrose
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 05/17/2010 : 10:31:30
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BMThe Silver Haired TechPosting ONE DAY AT A TIMEIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 05/17/2010 : 12:52:21
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As a bagpiper, I played many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ' Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. when I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say," I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2010 : 07:32:59
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The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. "But we didn't use them.''
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," ."Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a check and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'' "That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
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Don't mess with Senior Citizens
Respectfully Submitted
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas
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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1505 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2010 : 09:06:57
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| When a waitress served a man his steak dinner, she had her thumb on top of the steak. Understandably, he complained. She replied, "I got tired of picking it up when it slid off the plate!" |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2010 : 15:04:29
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Has this one been seen here? I forget. I was reminded by the last entry.
A diner in a restaurant told his waiter to take the soup that he had ordered back, before tasting or even placing his spoon in the soup because it wasn't hot enough. When this occurred three times, the waiter asked how the diner knew that the soup wasn't hot enough when he hadn't even touched the soup. The diner replied, "I knew it wasn't hot enough because your thumb was in the soup in the bowl." |
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dontknowsquat
Senior Member
1505 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2010 : 01:34:58
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| A couple greeted the preacher after Sunday morning services. The man told the preacher that he hadn't spoken to his wife in two weeks. When the preacher asked why, he replied,"I didn't want to interrupt her!" |
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