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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
 Posted - 11/02/2009 : 17:19:54
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Got this one in todays e mail:
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Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were
shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock , fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
His buddies asked, "How did you talk your misses into letting you go
Dave?"
Dave replied. Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'! When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......
SO I DID AND HERE I AM!
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9289 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2009 : 19:26:08
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They say that this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a
chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
a parking lot at the San Antonio CityPark. There are also countless
chili cook-offs in towns large and small around the state...
Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. Here
are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomatoes. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild!
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting seriously
drunk from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive!
Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming...can they not see that I am dying over
here !
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb!
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore! I wonder if it would
help to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment! I should take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to say that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it!
Judge # 3 - No Report...!
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2009 : 19:42:35
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Loved it Bill!! I like chili, and I add jalapenos and juice to mine, but I have a feeling I am more like judge #3 than #'s 1 and 2.
My wife lived in Texas for 20 years in the Fort worth area and attended some chili cook-offs, said you could find all kinds of meat from beef to buffalo to armadillo in the chili, she just about won't eat chili anymore....guess my Missouri chili is kinda like our H.S. football, just not the same in Missouri... |
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2009 : 19:44:32
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Tomorrow is my in laws anniversary---wonder if I should send them this one????? 
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!" |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9289 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2009 : 11:10:23
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BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14328 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2009 : 11:38:54
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Realizing that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, your rent for my LOL is due!!!
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
Edited by - xhi on 11/03/2009 11:40:50 |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9289 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2009 : 15:38:05
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quote:
Originally posted by xhi
Realizing that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, your rent for my LOL is due!!!
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas
I mailed the check last month. You haven't got it yet??  
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14328 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2009 : 19:16:17
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Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1297 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2009 : 06:17:49
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Post on my twitter by THATNEWSGUY
Dear Twitter, with deep regret and a heavy heart I must inform you that I spent the weekend with another. Yes, FaceBook. I'm Sorry, Shawn
Primrose |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2009 : 11:32:50
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The awesome power of a wife's love.
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.. The
aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the
table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
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xhi
Advanced Member
14328 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2009 : 12:00:49
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That's funny!
Luckily I know that no matter what or how much the Chefkat makes for the neighbors or special occasions I know that somewhere there is a little plate just for me.
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
880 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2009 : 17:07:04
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Good one Seadog. Still laughing..
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2009 : 13:37:07
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I need a Cash For Clunkers Deal!
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and
my paint job is getting a little dull.
But that's not the worse of it. My headlights are out of focus and
it's getting hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide
and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are bumpy with varicose veins. It takes me
hours to reach maximum speeds. My fuel now burns inefficiently.
But here's the worse thing of all: Almost every time I sneeze, cough,
or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
Seadog |
Edited by - Seadog on 11/19/2009 13:38:30 |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9289 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2009 : 14:16:59
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BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2009 : 20:02:41
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| That was great seadog |
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