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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
 Posted - 09/18/2009 : 13:27:57
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XHI, the major story was cute, but the punchline was FANTASTIC!
cwsnyder2
Lord, May my words today be tender and sweet, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 09/19/2009 : 09:42:33
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 09/19/2009 : 18:57:19
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2009 : 07:31:03
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Loved all the jokes. Just catching up after weekend camping. Thanks for the laughs.
Pharmacymom |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2009 : 09:23:03
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Let's hear it for the American Indians.
Or,
Just to keep the "Jokes" Topic active.
President Barrack Obama was invited to address a major gathering
of the American Indian Nation a few weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing
every Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become the President.
He referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed
'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although President Obama was vague on the details of his plan,
he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with
a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".
The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the
crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of Chiefs of how
they came to select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so
full of s**t it can no longer fly.
Seadog |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2009 : 11:39:07
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| I read of another explanation for the name 'Walking Eagle.' It is for a bird to stupid to realize it could fly. |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 15:43:21
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Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible. |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14280 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 18:01:28
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I know just the friend I'm sending that one to.
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 20:29:27
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Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes. Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, they've been around!
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off"
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 10/20/2009 : 11:11:02
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Sally informed Bill that this fall she would go deer hunting with him. So Bill dutifully built her a stand about a half-mile from his usual spot on the other side of the hill. Before dawn on the first Saturday in November, Bill put Sally in her stand and then climbed into his.
About an hour after sunrise, Bill heard a shot from Sally's direction. In a moment, his cell phone buzzed. "I got one! I got one!" Sally squealed in Bill's ear. "Great," Bill said. "Just be still and quiet. I still hope to get a shot."
It wasn't three minutes later, that his cell phone buzzed again. "I said for you to be quiet," Bill said. "But someone is trying to steal my deer," Sally said. "Get over here."
Bill got out of his stand and walked over to Sally's spot. There he saw his wife pointing her rifle at a man who had his hands in the air.
"That's my deer." Sally declared. "Yes, ma'am," Bill heard the man reply, "but if you would just let me get my saddle?"
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2009 : 13:52:57
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I love the "deer" one, billmellon. Thanks for the laugh.
My son is a deer hunter. His first deer he was with my neighbor who was watching a fox come into the area. Just as Brian was about to chase the fox away with a shot, he hears bam! Bam! (muzzleloader season). He asked my son what he shot, and my son's reply was it had a rack! Deer tasted good in all sorts of things all winter that year.
Pharmacymom |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 10/31/2009 : 14:40:14
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Aah - sometimes revenge is sweet. Thanks for the laugh Primrose.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 10/31/2009 : 16:12:20
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You did notice that none of us males wanted to comment?
Is the term bikini wax in your vocabulary? How about circumcision?
cwsnyder2
Lord, May my words today be tender and sweet, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 11/01/2009 : 08:14:39
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Do Not Bring Plants in The House During Cold Weather!!!
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why... A couple in Baltimore, Maryland had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing some of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendant rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the EMT saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again came out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. That's when he shot her.
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