| Author |
 Topic  |
|
LampPost
Intermediate Member
587 Posts |
 Posted - 11/05/2006 : 17:30:23
|
quote:
PS to LampPost: Watch what you ask for... You might get it
My husband and I are laughing at all the new jokes! Thanks everyone! |
 |
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2006 : 21:51:42
|
I was at the airport one day waiting in the bus holding area for a flight to land. I saw one of the starters at the table with a cast on his leg. I asked him, "What happened to your leg?"
He said, "My wife said, 'shut up.' I thought she said, 'stand up.'" |
|
|
|
Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2006 : 23:38:59
|
At the Squaw Valley Stables, at Lake Tahoe, it says on their brochure, "We have all kinds of horses, gentle horses for gentle people, spirited horses for spirited people, and for those that don't like to ride...we have horses that don't like to be ridden."
~Gary  |
|
|
|
Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 11/06/2006 : 13:56:45
|
Old Age: Take four (& the last... WHEEEEW!)
A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " "Yes," said her friend. My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2006 : 02:38:50
|
quote:
Originally posted by Fabrat
Old Age: Take four (& the last... WHEEEEW!)
A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " "Yes," said her friend. My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Now that was good! |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2006 : 02:47:27
|
An elder couple having trouble with their memory went to see a doctor and asked him what they could do to help them remember. He said, "From now on write everything down you wish to remember."
That night the wife asks the husband, "Harold, could you go and fetch me a bowl of chocolate ice cream?"
Without writing anything, Harold heads for the kitchen. The wife asks, "Aren't you going to write it down?"
Harold replys, "It's just a bowl of ice cream. How hard can that be?"
A half an hour later, he returns with a plate of bacon, eggs and toast. The wife says, "I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot the hash browns!" |
Edited by - *user deleted* on 11/07/2006 02:49:49 |
|
|
|
Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2006 : 21:50:56
|
Now, that's scary, Snowball! It was funny, but it reminds me of ME!
I heard this one on Paul Harvey:
An elderly gentleman thought his wife was going deaf, so he thought he'd give her a test. She was sitting on the couch, knitting, with her back to him. From across the room, he said, in a normal voice, "Can you hear me?"
No responce.
So he moved half way across the room and repeated a little louder, "Can you hear me?"
Still no responce.
So he went right up behind he and said, in a loud voice, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
She turned around and said, "For the third time, Yes, I can hear you."
~Gary |
Edited by - Beta_Gary on 11/07/2006 21:51:35 |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 03:07:24
|
An angel appeared to a couple in their 70's. He said, "I'm going to grant you one wish each."
The wife said, "Okay! I've always wanted to go to Hawaii."
And poof, when the smoke cleared, she was holding two plane tickets.
The husband said, "I want to be married to someone 20 years younger!"
And poof, when the smoke cleared, he was 90 years old. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2006 : 23:17:34
|
A retiered pastor went to the closet to find a shoe box with three colored eggs and $1,000 cash! Alarmed, he approched his wife and asked her, "What are the three eggs for?" He inquiered.
The wife answered, "When ever you gave a bad sermon, I placed an egg in the box."
The retired pastor felt good having only made three bad sermons in 25 years. "So what is the thousand dollars for?" He continued.
The wife said, "When I collected a dozen eggs I sold them for a dollar." |
|
|
|
godblessroa
Starting Member
12 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2006 : 14:54:44
|
No Joke
Actual call taken by me.
After several minutes of the customer explaining his life from birth until the call I was able to establish that he had indeed installed the software and was able to connect to the internet; therefore I ask since there did not seem to be a problem, what was the reason for the call.
Caller: Well, during the installation and sign up process AOL ask for my credit card.
Me: And did you have trouble with that part of the process?
Caller: No, I was able to put it in and create a screen name and everything.
Me: Okay, so are you having trouble with the internet or e-mail or something?
Caller: No, all that is fine but I need to go do some shopping and I need my credit card back.
Me: Well sir, we have to keep your card number on file so we can bill you once you go past the first month.
Caller: I don’t care, I need it back.
Me: Need what back sir?
Caller: My card. When I was signing up for AOL you all said to put in my card. I did and now I need it back.
Me: No sir, we did NOT tell you to put in your card, we ask you to enter your card number. Where did you put your card?
Caller: I put it in the credit card slot.
Me: Sir, computers do not have a credit card slot, where did you put it?
Need I go on?
|
|
|
|
godblessroa
Starting Member
12 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2006 : 14:58:32
|
Another time I had a female caller.
The first words out of her mouth were “I am going to sue AOL. You all tore up my computer.”
I know the reputation the company has so I could not argue with that; therefore I ask her in what way did AOL tear up her computer.
Caller: Well, I received a disc (3.5 floppy) in the mail and I installed AOL. After installing AOL my computer no longer ejects the automatic cup holder. (her words, not mine) You all tore it up!!!
|
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2006 : 17:32:44
|
That was good. I used to be an AT&T Wireless rep. Here is a call that was taken by me.
ME: Thank you for calling AT&T Wireless Usage managment.
Caller: Why is my phone shut off?
Me: It shows that your credit card declined payment.
Caller: Why did my card decline payment?
Me: Well sir, you would have to call your bank that handles your card.
Caller: It's an AT&T Universal card. So why is it declined?
Me: Again sir, you have to call the bank that handles that card.
Caller: Just tell me why is my card declined!
Me: Sir, I do not have that information because I do not have access to your bank account.
Caller: This card was issued by AT&T. So why can't you tell me why it's declined?
Me: Your card was issued by the bank that handles your account. AT&T does not have access to those accounts. You either must call your bank or MasterCard to find out what happened.
Caller: Okay. So just look up my bank account and tell me why my card declined.
Need I go on? The entire call lasted about 15 mins. |
Edited by - *user deleted* on 11/19/2006 17:41:02 |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2006 : 17:52:00
|
God appeers to a man and says, "I'm going to grant you one wish."
The man says, "Could you build me a bridge from here (California) to Hawaii?
God says, "That's impossible. Think of the ladgistics of that! Now, I want you to think long and hard of a good wish."
The man thought and thought. Then finaly, "Well God, I've been married and divorced three times and each of my ex-wives tells me that I'm insensitive. So, I want to know why a woman thinks the way she thinks feels the way she feels so I can have a better understanding.
After a long silence God says, "Do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" |
|
|
|
Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2006 : 18:56:17
|
Subject: A Fottle
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton," replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
|
|
|
|
askbud
Senior Member
3178 Posts |
Posted - 11/21/2006 : 16:20:36
|
An Engineer found himself in the country at lunchtime. He pulled off the road by a farm lane and began to eat his lunch. As he ate he observed that the Farmer was at the barn. The Farmer had a jack at both front corners and was walking from one to the other adjusting the jacks a little each time. He would stop at the barn door, where he had a mule and put his hand to the mule's ear then to the door. Then he would go adjust the jacks some more.
Finally, the Engineer finished his lunch. He drove back the lane and got out of the car. The farmer stopped and they began to talk:
Engineer: I see you jacking the barn but don't know why.
Farmer: I just got this new mule and his ears are too high to fit in the doorway, so I'm jacking up the front of the barn.
Engineer: I see you have a gravel lane and a dirt floor in the barn. Why not just dig a trench in the doorway?
Farmer: You're really a City-Guy! It's his ears that are too long, not his legs
|
Edited by - askbud on 11/21/2006 16:23:13 |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
KIM'S CLUB ![The Kim Komando Show [Logo]](http://static.komando.com/websites/www.komando.com/www/kk_header_footer/v9/img/komando-header-logo.png){kind=logo}
Jokes of the day