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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
 Posted - 06/14/2009 : 21:54:13
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STUDENT NURSE
Are my testicles black? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9258 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2009 : 11:29:16
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BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE?
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2009 : 15:08:48
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Good one CindyLou.
Passed that one on to Nurses in my family and to friends that are Nurses.
Seadog |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2009 : 19:56:30
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Summer Classes for Women
at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Saturday, June 27, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?
--Group Debate--
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics--
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!
--Real Life Testimonials--
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
How to Parallel Park in Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
--Live Demonstration--
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Sorry Ladies, the Devil made me do it!
Chris
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2009 : 07:06:12
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Okay, Geraldine    |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2009 : 09:15:04
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H,
Off to the lake for some splishing and splashing! (Taking my laptop to see if I can catch a stray, unprotected signal)
Chris |
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2009 : 10:37:30
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C R nt U grounded  |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
Posted - 07/15/2009 : 16:56:14
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Seniors will understand this one!
After an elderly friend of ours (actually our age ) finished his annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my Wife," he said.
he stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Margie, do we still have intercourse?" And there was such a hush you could hear a pin drop.
Margie answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Bob, I told you a hundred times....
What we have is...
Blue Cross!"
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2009 : 09:04:59
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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2009 : 02:35:30
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Loved it Seadog. Thanks for the laugh.
Pharmacymom |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2009 : 20:26:52
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Another for the seniors. If you don't 'get' this, you will one day!
Dallas Morning News
Community Opinions page 10B
David McClure of McKinney: A senior moment ... at 48?
David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.
$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Primrose
oops, edited it to remove his email address..
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Edited by - Primrose on 07/25/2009 12:03:21 |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9258 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2009 : 10:28:04
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BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2009 : 14:44:42
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quote:
Originally posted by billmellon
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DITTO!~~! |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2009 : 16:32:52
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I take it this is a story about someone not growing old gracefully?
cwsnyder2 |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2009 : 03:19:37
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Definitely not growing old gracefully, CW. My m-i-l quit driving after she found herself at a traffic light and couldn't remember where she was going or what she was going for. It scared her to think she could do this while driving and maybe cause an accident and hurt or kill someone. She was suffering from short term memory loss due to the effects of chemotherapy. She gave up her license and never drove again. She would have laughed at the above story and the senior moments in it. Sounds like the guy was having a really bad day.
Pharmacymom |
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