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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
 Posted - 06/05/2009 : 04:06:55
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Thanks pharmacymom, I just can't keep up with everything!! |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2009 : 11:28:05
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Little Johnny's at it again......
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2009 : 13:39:52
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 06/08/2009 : 18:50:11
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Kids will say the darndest things, won't they, even the truth.
Thanks for the laugh.
Pharmacymom |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2009 : 08:46:47
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One late fall day a Texas Mountain Lion and a New Mexico Mountain Lion met on the border of the two states and were discussing their lives. Afterwards, they agreed to meet again in the spring.
Come Spring the New Mexico Lion was there first and after a few hours he saw the Texas Lion coming up the mountain pass at a very slow pace. When the Texas Lion finally got there the New Mexico Lion looked at him and said Son, You look awful. The Texas Lion replied, Im about half starved, all Ive had to eat since seeing you is a few Texans.
The New Mexico lion asked how he hunted these Texans. And he said, I do it the old way, I climb up a tree or a cliff and when he passes underneath me I let out a loud blood curdling scream and then pounce on him.
The New Mexico Lion said, Hell, Son thats the reason youre under nourished, dont you know when you scream that way at a Texan it scares the s**t out of him, then when you pounce on his back it knocks all the wind out of him, Then all you have left is a pair of Cowboy boots and a belt buckle.
Seadog |
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Diablo
Senior Member
1709 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2009 : 09:10:12
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quote:
Originally posted by Seadog
One late fall day a Texas Mountain Lion and a New Mexico Mountain Lion met on the border of the two states and were discussing their lives. Afterwards, they agreed to meet again in the spring.
Come Spring the New Mexico Lion was there first and after a few hours he saw the Texas Lion coming up the mountain pass at a very slow pace. When the Texas Lion finally got there the New Mexico Lion looked at him and said Son, You look awful. The Texas Lion replied, Im about half starved, all Ive had to eat since seeing you is a few Texans.
The New Mexico lion asked how he hunted these Texans. And he said, I do it the old way, I climb up a tree or a cliff and when he passes underneath me I let out a loud blood curdling scream and then pounce on him.
The New Mexico Lion said, Hell, Son thats the reason youre under nourished, dont you know when you scream that way at a Texan it scares the s**t out of him, then when you pounce on his back it knocks all the wind out of him, Then all you have left is a pair of Cowboy boots and a belt buckle.
Seadog
Seadog--You're Bad--Really Bad.
With all the sweat and "other Stuff" on the boots--and the belt buckle to sharpen the teeth on there is some real nourishment in those boots!
Diablo (Fort Worth--Where the West Began!) |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9258 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2009 : 10:39:10
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Diablo, I couldn't have answered any better than you did. 
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE?
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 11:38:20
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The opposite of 'pro' is 'con'; this fact is clearly seen. But if 'progress' means move forward; what does 'Congress' mean?
- Comedian Nipsey Russell
H48
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 12:00:38
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Ditto Diablo and bill... Texas Panhandle, out where the tall cowboys and tall tales reign! The wind blows free and the only thing between us and the North Pole is a barb wire fence!!
Primrose |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 19:02:21
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quote:
Originally posted by Primrose
Ditto Diablo and bill... Texas Panhandle, out where the tall cowboys and tall tales reign! The wind blows free and the only thing between us and the North Pole is a barb wire fence!!
Primrose
And the top 2 strands of that barbwire fence are missing.
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Now, Don't all you Texans 'git all riled' about that mountain lion joke, Just think of all those "Tennessee Hillbilly" jokes out there, Especially those about Tennesseans having one leg shorter than the other from plowing the sides of the hills. Oh well, The way I look at it they wouldn't tell jokes about Texans and Tennesseans if they didn't love us.
As Paul Harvey said about Tennesseans, We talk slow and walk slow because we have no where to go, We're already there.
Seadog |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14279 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2009 : 00:35:11
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What did Tennessee?
I don't know, Alaska.
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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Diablo
Senior Member
1709 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2009 : 06:48:33
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quote:
Originally posted by Seadog
quote:
Originally posted by Primrose
Ditto Diablo and bill... Texas Panhandle, out where the tall cowboys and tall tales reign! The wind blows free and the only thing between us and the North Pole is a barb wire fence!!
Primrose
And the top 2 strands of that barbwire fence are missing.
.......................................................................................
Now, Don't all you Texans 'git all riled' about that mountain lion joke, Just think of all those "Tennessee Hillbilly" jokes out there, Especially those about Tennesseans having one leg shorter than the other from plowing the sides of the hills. Oh well, The way I look at it they wouldn't tell jokes about Texans and Tennesseans if they didn't love us.
As Paul Harvey said about Tennesseans, We talk slow and walk slow because we have no where to go, We're already there.
Seadog
I do actually prefer the taste of the Tennessee pulled pork to the taste of the boots!
Diablo |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2009 : 12:04:32
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TRAFFIC CAMERA
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt. |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2009 : 13:16:42
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A Stimulus Story
It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake.
It is raining, and the little town looks totally
deserted.
It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody
lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to
the pig raiser.
The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt
to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs
to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times,
gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100
dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she
rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the
counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the
rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not
like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism .
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3899 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2009 : 15:16:14
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quote:
Originally posted by Seadog
A Stimulus Story
It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake.
It is raining, and the little town looks totally
deserted.
It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody
lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
. . .
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the
rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not
like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism .
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
Except that no one noticed the bill was counterfeit.
cwsnyder2 |
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