 |
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
 Posted - 05/27/2009 : 23:03:49
|
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
|
 |
|
|
Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2009 : 16:01:54
|
My 1 day employment
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. |
|
|
|
MrKite
Senior Member
2474 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2009 : 16:12:00
|
|
|
|
|
CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2009 : 19:20:04
|
| Good one Seadog - thanks for the chuckles. |
|
|
|
pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2009 : 01:14:53
|
I am still ROFL as I post this. It takes the patience of a saint to greet the customers at Walmart. Some are surly, some ignore you, and some are just down right mean and rotten.
Thanks. I needed the laugh. It has helped to relieve some stress surrounding my hubby and daughter, and life in general.
Pharmacymom |
|
|
|
Kandi
Intermediate Member
934 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2009 : 18:23:21
|
| Seadog...I loved it!!! |
|
|
|
infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 05/31/2009 : 03:53:58
|
Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
|
|
|
|
Dustin
Senior Member
3436 Posts |
Posted - 05/31/2009 : 04:19:43
|
Renae, I just loved your chuckle and made me think of the fact that my lady friend has two cats and we both get "cat scans" all the time but in our case there is no charge.
They will even tell you when it is time to change clothes if they think the clothes you have on do not meet their requirements.
Dustin |
|
|
|
pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 05/31/2009 : 05:10:49
|
I am still ROFL Renae. Thanks. THis week has been hectic and probably the next one will be too. Thanks for the really good laugh.
Pharmacymom |
|
|
|
gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2009 : 15:44:15
|
I don't know if this one has been on the boards before, but I got this in an e mail today at work and love it:
Remember the old routine of "Who's on first?"
Subject: A Modern Abbott and Costello Routine
Routine: Abbott & Costello's 'Who's on First' broadcast occurred in the 1930's. Now fast forward to 2009 and try to imagine Abbott and Costello trying to buy/sell a computer. You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand
computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Hello I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
|
|
|
|
H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2009 : 17:26:46
|
Seadog I MUST pass this one along to everyone. I can't say as I have laughed so heartily in quite some time. I commend you on lasting 1 day. I agree with Pmom that it is a good stress reliever!!!! Thanks for posting. I've missed you guys/gals
Heroness |
|
|
|
H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2009 : 18:25:05
|
Medical Talk
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients
to operate on.The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see
accountants on my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head and the a** are interchangeable.
H48 |
|
|
|
Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2009 : 18:44:37
|
|
|
|
|
BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9257 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2009 : 20:36:44
|
..................
..................
..................
..................
..................
..................
..................
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE?
|
|
|
|
pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2009 : 23:19:39
|
gwing07: It has been here. It is still funny and very applicable. Thanks for the reminder and the chuckle.
Pharmacymom |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
|
© 2011 The Kim Komando Show, All rights reserved. |
|
|
|
|
|
KIM'S CLUB ![The Kim Komando Show [Logo]](http://static.komando.com/websites/www.komando.com/www/kk_header_footer/v9/img/komando-header-logo.png){kind=logo}
Jokes of the day