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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
 Posted - 04/21/2009 : 09:18:51
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Good one Renae.
In addition to lawyer jokes, I also like the dumbest criminals stuff.
Like the bank robber that wrote the note on the back of his paycheck stub, the part with his name and address. Led the cops right to his house and the bank loot. That has really got to be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
Pharmacymom |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2009 : 17:46:52
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Infohound and Pmom two very good ones 
Picaninny
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2009 : 18:32:00
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The dumb criminals are usually up for the Darwin Awards, along with those whose famous last words were either "Watch this!" or even "I can do that, too!"
cwsnyder2 |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 04/30/2009 : 15:46:36
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Rye Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed help.
He said "Do you have rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this rye bread but me."
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 01:36:45
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Cute Cindy Lou. Thanks for the chuckle.
Pharmacymom |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 08:46:22
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After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a Vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
????
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia,Texas, Oklahoma, several other states ....and Washington DC.
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azvlr
Starting Member
16 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2009 : 20:18:22
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It's only fair to point out that sometimes it's the tech support folks who are clueless. This incident may not be nearly as hilarious as the ones already presents, but this really happened to me just moments ago. I was in an online chat seeking answers to two issues about my LAPTOP (not a desktop - important to note). Before the rep joined the chat I had already explained my problem in detail. He asked me to repeat my questions. Also note that the entire converation took about 20 minutes while I waited for him to reply.
*** joined the incident.
*** says:
Welcome to *********. My name and badge number are **********. I am looking at your account and the information you submitted. I will begin troubleshooting with you in just a moment.
(Long pause) ***says:
Thank you for your patience.<br>
*** says:
I have verified that the **** computer is covered under warranty. <br>
*** says:
May I know your issue in detail?<br>
azvlr says:
Mine's a tablet computer. (Somehow I had a feeling it would be important to mention this detail again.)When I try to change the screen orientation using the button on the screen, it gives me a message saying, "The setting you requested is not supported." and to try changing the settings. I did, but I didn't see where to change it. This feature worked in the beginning.
*** says:
azvlr, are you trying to change the resolution?
azvlr says:
No, I'm trying to change the screen image from right side up to "upside down" so that when I flip the screen around to use it as a tablet, the image is facing the correct way.
*** says:
We have a specialized department for resolving these types of issues, please contact ****** department, which is a paid support for getting better assistance in resolving this issue. It is a 24/7 service. The phone number for contacting Answers by Gateway is 1.800.***.**** <br>
Ok this next part, I'll admit was perhaps a stupid question of mine, but his reply takes the cake:azvlr says:
Ok, what about the microphone being on all the time. It makes me a little paranoid.
*** says:
Please unplug the jack from the microphone port.
azvlr says:
It's a notebook, not a desktop. The microphone is built in.
(another long pause) *** says:
There is no option to turn OFF the microphone, Only option is, you can mute it.
azvlr says:
I have tried this, but it changes itself back on. Doesn't that seem weird?
*** says:
It is always On.
azvlr says:
It comes back on everytime I turn the computer on.
*** says:
I am sorry. There is no other option.
azvlr says:
Alright. Thanks.
*** says:
It was a pleasure working with you. Thank you for using *** Live Chat. Feel free to chat again anytime and have a great day.
By this time I had figured out the problem on my own so I was just wanting to end the conversation. As you can see, it works both directions. |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
Posted - 05/18/2009 : 20:10:29
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My Twitter won't Tweet 
Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.
One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.
I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldnt figure what to do with them and gave up.
That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.
Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppas crazy text messages. Give me a break. What ever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isnt that what they were invented for?
They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.
One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son."
Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."
We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.
His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasnt called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that dealing with an elder despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my sons clients changes and he had the signed documents in hand.
My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.
He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office.. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.
He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.
I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [its red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as every one in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still havent figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesnt matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
Then its their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
Primrose |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2009 : 00:19:21
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Gee whiz, Primrose, sounds like my hubby, Ray. He can't even press the buttons right on his cell phone to place a speed dialed call (I set up the important and often used ones for him as he is legally blind). He'll go to call his brother and wind up calling his daughter, or me, or our son. Just can't get the knack of those little buttons for making phone calls, let alone texting.
Thanks for the chuckle.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2009 : 16:02:06
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My brother set up my mom's cell phone (she is 77) so that it responds to voice prompts to call the most often called phone numbers, like my sister's land line, and cell phone, his land line and cell phone, and some of her sibling's phone numbers. This is on a Verizon phone, but I don't know the model off hand. She just says something like 'Call Tricia cell' to call my sister's cell phone. Something like this may work better for Ray, Pmom. If you want more information, I can ask my brother. This is especially good for calling while in the car without taking her eyes off the road.
cwsnyder2 |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2009 : 20:43:10
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Unfortunately, he would have to have a list of the phone numbers and how they are stored. And he can't see to read the list. It's easier for him to just press a button. When I am home, I help him out. But when I am out (working or running errands) he just has the speed dials to rely on. Wish he could see more so I could do the voice dial thing. And he never learned braille.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 05/21/2009 : 13:45:26
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The method my Mom uses does not require reading anything, because it only works on those numbers set up (like a speed dial) with voice commands. This would not work for general cell phone dialing, only for that 'select list', which the user memorizes the keywords for. The user starts by pressing the button to activate the voice prompt, the says 'Call', which activates voice calling, then one or two words which you train the cell phone to recognizes to select the speed dial listing.
I am sorry if I was not clear before, and hope that I am clearer now. Memorizing a mnemonic word to dial out should be easier than memorizing a random speed dial number or the full 10 digit phone number.
cwsnyder2 |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2009 : 02:44:21
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THat is unless chemo causes memory loss and you struggle to even remember the day of the week. thanks though for your suggestion. It would not work for Ray.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2009 : 18:04:26
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Other suggestion, Pmom:
Could you read the list of speed dial numbers and for whom they are onto one of those digital voice recorders? He could just play the listing until he hears the correct destination.
cwsnyder2 |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2009 : 03:28:10
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Again, I get the phones that don't have all the latest bells and whistles, so would have to read the manual, but don't think it has it. So, since he most of the time makes the correct selection with the speed dials, I think I'll stick with what he has for the time being.
Pharmacymom |
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