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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
 Posted - 02/20/2009 : 18:40:23
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I butted in on Chefkat and her Aunt on the phone to read that one to them. Two extra hardy laughs were had not including mine. Thanks heroness48!
Xhi
The Computer Whisperer
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 19:21:37
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I heard this one today at work:
A man was going home from work, and needed to stop and pick up a birthday gift for his daughter. Since she liked Barbie dolls, he stopped at a store known for carrying a wide variety of dolls.
"How much are the dolls in the window", he asked the saleslady.
"Which one", she replied. "The beach Barbie is $19.95, the glamor Barbie is $19.95, the rodeo Barbie is $19.95, the divorce Barbie is $235.72, the night club barbie.........."
"Whoa, hold on a minute", said the father, "why is the divorce Barbie so much more expensive that the other Barbie's"?
"Well", said the sales lady, "the divorce Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's ........."
Please, don't throw any rocks or tomatoes!!
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 19:27:40
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    hearty laughs are always good for the soul XHI
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES from "Forwarded Funnies"
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
  
H48 |
Edited by - H48 on 02/20/2009 19:59:01 |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 20:03:50
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H48...Your joke is funny and All Valentine Days at Walters must have been interesting.
quote:
Please, don't throw any rocks or tomatoes!!
And Gwing07... We do not have rock and tomato smilies. WE NEED MORE SMILIES
Just kidding Gwing07, it was a cute joke
But I wasn't kidding about needing MORE SMILIES |
Edited by - infohound on 02/20/2009 20:05:20 |
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 20:11:20
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quote:
You Know You've Had Too Much Winter When...
Now THAT is HILARIOUS |
Edited by - infohound on 02/20/2009 20:13:06 |
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CindyLou
Intermediate Member
867 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2009 : 09:40:45
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Wal-Mart has everything
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal Mart |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2009 : 13:07:05
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
& 1 lb package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single.
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me. So I said: Well, you know what, you're absolutely right, I am single, but how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, Cause you're ugly.
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2009 : 15:47:10
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9260 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2009 : 16:48:22
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BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE?
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Snowball
Senior Member
2686 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2009 : 17:48:02
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Why, Why, Why...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
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Why does someone
Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
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If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 02/25/2009 : 19:06:59
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Boy am I ticked!!
I went to my Dr for my yearly physical today. I went in and the nurse asked me, how tall are you and how much do you weigh?
So I told her 6 ft 4 inches, and 195 lbs.
She had me stand next to a measure..she said, you are 5 10.
Then she had me stand on a scale, she said you weigh 235 pounds.
Then she took my blood pressure, she said ,and your blood pressure is too high.
I couldnt take it anymore, I told her, Well of course it is high. When I came in, I was tall and slender, now after 10 minutes I am short and fat. Of course my blood pressures high!!
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 02/25/2009 : 20:56:59
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Add to Snowball's list
Why is it always the last key on the ring that unlocks the lock? |
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2009 : 18:36:08
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Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an
office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr.Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the
doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council,they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High
Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal
Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
*So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a
chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up
with:Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it*
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WiPer06
Junior Member
137 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2009 : 21:17:49
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with muffled giggle... "They're looking for me."
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