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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
 Posted - 02/12/2009 : 10:42:31
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And one last one:
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Damm."
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 02/13/2009 : 16:08:19
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These came my way at work today
Just in time for Valentines day, rhymes for the sweetie:
1. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot:
This describes everything you're not.
2. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
3. I love your smile, your face, your eyes
Damm I'm good at telling lies.
4. My felings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe 'go to hell'.
AND finally
5. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime. |
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 02/13/2009 : 16:16:22
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OOps ---missed one
My love, you take my breath away
What did you step in to smell this way? |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2009 : 21:07:44
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Some of the pop artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new
lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman'sHermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
Ringo Starr---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And Last but NOT least
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2009 : 21:17:21
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momndadmc1..
Picaninny |
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Raggtopp
Junior Member
152 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2009 : 09:02:46
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OMG - these are so funny. I remember them all (originals  ) and can relate to the changes.
Raggtopp |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2009 : 13:08:32
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And speaking of "Older Men" and it could apply to some "Older Women."
New Direction for the war on terrorists.
Send Service Vets over 60.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing assbackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical sob.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New army now, Get down and give me ... ER ... one.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this one with your senior friends, If you dare to.
ANON.
......................................................................
Note: I tried to keep this as original as possible. However, I felt it necessary, Since this is a "Clean" jokes section, to alter a few words in case the Author happens to read it. Give credit where credit is due.
Seadog |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2009 : 15:31:29
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quote:
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
I like that Seadog, sounds logical to me... |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2009 : 16:48:22
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Seadog sounds like a good idea to me.
Picaninny |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2009 : 17:46:07
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This is quite interesting. I didn't try to verify any of the numbers (seems ok) but it's the proposal I like. Won't ever happen, but it's very thought provoking, isn't it?
"The Proposal"
When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.
Our government should not be immune from similar risks.
Therefore: Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%.
Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.
Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include:
$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)
$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year)
$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)
The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?
We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.
Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)
Note:
Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.
Summary of opportunity:
$ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.
$282,100, 000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings. (that's 8-BILLION just to start!)
Big business does these types of cuts all the time.
If Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits there is no telling how much we would save. Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.
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LennyS
Senior Member
4000 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2009 : 20:45:02
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Seadog,
We old military retards (oops retirees) already know where the Bear poops in the buckwheat. We should be leading the old farts that haven't been there yet.
Lenny |
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Snowball
Senior Member
2686 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2009 : 22:42:29
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| In response to Seadogs poetic blog... A quote from Alec Baldwin from the movie Pearl Harbor to the Army Pilot Lieutenants: "I'm 40 years old. I'm an old man. You have your whole lives ahead of you. So what you do is up to you!" |
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 16:12:01
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What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy 
H48
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 16:34:22
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Chris |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2477 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 18:11:34
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Sounds like something I would say. |
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