| Author |
 Topic  |
|
LampPost
Intermediate Member
587 Posts |
 Posted - 10/14/2006 : 17:14:15
|
| We need some new jokes! |
 |
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2006 : 23:19:11
|
There were three cajons waiting for their wives to deliver and I don't mean groceries. The nurse walks out and tells the first man, "You have twins!"
The man says, "I have Twins?"
"Yes twins!"
"Well, I'm a diserving man to have twins. I play for the Minnesota Twins."
The nurse walks out again and tells the second man, "You have triplets!"
The man says, "Wait a minute. I have a weak heart. Are you sure I have triplets?"
The nurse says, "Yes. Triplets!"
"Triplets?"
"Yes! Triplets!" The nurse exclames.
The man says, "It's fitting for me to have triplets. I work for 3M."
The third man gets up to walk out. The nurse asks him, "Wait... Sir... Where are you going?
The man says, "I'm getting the heck outta here. I work for the 7-Up Company!" |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2006 : 23:29:25
|
There's a man and a dog going to hunt quail. The dog runs out and finds a boy and starts barking at him. The man runs up and says, "I'm very sorry about this son. My dog is supposed to be hunting quail. Now, giet doggie and hunt quail."
The dog runs off. Five minutes later the dog hunts down the same boy and starts barking at him. The man runs up and appologises to the boy again. "I'm so very sorry about this son. Now, go on dog. Giet! Hunt quail!"
Ten minutes later the dog hunts the same boy and begins barking at him again. The man runs up and says, "Look son, I don't know what's gottin into my dog. He's supposed to be huntin' quail. By the way. What's your name boy?"
The boy says, "Bob White!"
Bob White is a brand of quail in case you didn't know. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2006 : 23:36:13
|
A man who's never been to church before is at the end of his rope. He goes to the pastor and tells him that he has hit rock bottom. He owes everyone large amounts of money and he can't pay them all.
The pastor tells him, "Go home and open the Bible. The first page you turn to will have the answer.
A few years go by and the pastor spots the man again. This time the man gets out of a nice car, he's wearing fine cloths and he has a big smug smile on his face. The pastor approches him and asks, "You must have done what I told you."
The man replys, "Yes I did!"
The pastor asks, "What was the first thing you read?"
The man answers, "Chapter eleven!"
That's bankruptcy in case you didn't know. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2006 : 23:40:47
|
A prowler breaks into an elder womans home with her in it. The woman is so frightend that she screemed out, "Acts 2:38!
The burglar froze in his tracks and would not move until police arrived. The police were so surprised at what happened they asked the man, "What was it about that scripture that made you freez like that?"
The man said, "Scripture? What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!" |
Edited by - *user deleted* on 11/16/2006 23:29:57 |
|
|
|
Swani
Intermediate Member
1490 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2006 : 17:00:14
|
| that's good |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2006 : 19:44:59
|
A pastor decides to play hookie from church one Sunday and goes to a town where no one knows him so he can play golf. He hits the ball and a wind picks up and drops it in the hole for a hole in one. The angels look at God and ask, "What did you do THAT for?
God smiles real big and says, "Who's he gonna tell?" |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2006 : 16:16:20
|
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and
with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects
may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your
ass kicked. |
|
|
|
xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2006 : 14:08:40
|
This I believe is the kind of shaggy dog story Kim is partial to.
There were three pregnant squaws in an Indian tribe that were due all about the same day. Two were common Indians while one was the daughter of the chief.
The tribe built a birthing tent to accommodate the blessed events. They placed animal hides in three positions for each squaw to comfortably give birth. With the exception that the pile of hides for the Chiefs daughter was topped with a rare Hippopotamus hide.
The day drew nigh for the births and lo and behold all gave birth the same day. Each of the common squaws had a little brave to add to the tribe, but miracle of miracles the priests daughter had twin braves.
All this is only recounted here because it proves the old mathematical adage that “The sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is exactly equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
Xhi
“Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas”
|
|
|
|
LampPost
Intermediate Member
587 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2006 : 15:17:32
|
quote:
This I believe is the kind of shaggy dog story Kim is partial to.
Xhi, how did I miss this one for so long!!
Hey, Fabrat! Where are your friends with the jokes?? You must have been on vacation. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2006 : 17:31:34
|
| A farmer and his wife lived on the farm and never been to the city before. They decide to go to the store and look around. The farmer finds a mirror and mistakes it for a portrait of his father! He was surprised that the store would have a picture of his father. A few days later he returns to the store to buy it. Remembering that his wife never liked his father, he hung it up in the barn. Every morning he would go out to look at it. After a few weeks his wife began to get suspicious. One day after the farmer left the barn, she went out to find out why he kept going to the barn every morning. She finds the mirror and says, "So, that's the ugly old hag he's been fooling around with!" |
|
|
|
Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2006 : 18:33:33
|
Old Age: Take one
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2006 : 20:39:33
|
A woman in a clinic was upset and approched an older doctor and expressed her anger that an other doctor told her she was pregnant. The older doctor storms into the younger doctors office and screems, "How come you told Mrs. Johnson, an 80 year old woman that she's pregnant?"
Without hesitation and without stopping from writing in his journal, the younger doctor asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?" |
|
|
|
Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2006 : 07:24:10
|
Old Age: Take two
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife for the rest of her life...." |
|
|
|
Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2006 : 15:35:37
|
Old Age: Take three
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved..
----------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top..
----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PS to LampPost: Watch what you ask for... You might get it |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
KIM'S CLUB ![The Kim Komando Show [Logo]](http://static.komando.com/websites/www.komando.com/www/kk_header_footer/v9/img/komando-header-logo.png){kind=logo}
Jokes of the day