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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
 Posted - 02/01/2009 : 12:35:53
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You might like to look here for a funny Google search. The title is "It's great to see that Google currently has the right idea about Microsoft."
cwsnyder2 |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2009 : 12:44:04
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John, a porcelain commode gunned down in an accidental shooting at a fast food restaurant's bathroom, has died. His age was not immediately known.
The toilet was shattered by a bullet Jan. 12 when a man's gun fell from its holster as he was pulling up his pants, police said. Police do not plan to file criminal charges in connection with the incident.
Christian Martinez, manager of the Carl's Jr. where John was gunned down, held a memorial service Friday at the restaurant. He gave away bottles of John's favorite toilet cleaner, Kaboom Bowl Blaster, to the eatery's first 50 patrons.
A Bountiful flower shop provided a large floral arrangement.
"In all my years, I can say without a doubt that I have never delivered for a toilet," said deliveryman Doug Graham, "but I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever heard. I got a kick out of it."
Remnants of John hit and cut the gun owner's arm, but he was not seriously injured.
Police blamed John's death on the gun and style of holster the man was using.
"He was survived by the men's urinal and wash sink," said Martinez. "He left us way too soon."
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE?
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2009 : 14:58:39
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Getting a hairdryer through customs...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next !'
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2009 : 09:12:24
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In Church:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2009 : 07:06:05
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One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young..
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><><><><>
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down. 
---------------------------------
Long ago
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says,
'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife.'
H48
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2009 : 09:37:16
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Hi H48... Some good chuckles to start the day. Thanks  Renae |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2009 : 10:43:43
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FIRST TIME SEX ............
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.' |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2009 : 11:32:47
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| OOOOOPS!! |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9259 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2009 : 12:20:36
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BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2009 : 16:31:26
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2009 : 20:12:11
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Picaninny |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2009 : 17:01:39
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Mysterious Ways of the Lord
I never thought I would enjoy watching the news about an
airplane crash. But the Lord works in mysterious ways,
and with a sense of humor!
First: No one died!
Second: The passengers standing on the wing appeared
to be walking on water!
Third: It removed Obama from the headlines for 24 hours!
Fourth: No one in the government could take credit for
the miracle!
and
Fifth: It wasn't George Bush's fault! 
Primrose
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2009 : 17:40:21
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I like that Primrose. |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2009 : 17:45:15
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quote:
Originally posted by infohound
I like that Primrose.
ME TOO
Picaninny |
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gwing1
Junior Member
423 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2009 : 10:34:43
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This one just hit my mailbox:
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When
my fianc got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
I take it for granted that the husbands funeral is 2 days later !!! |
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