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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9263 Posts |
 Posted - 10/07/2008 : 21:39:19
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quote:
Originally posted by Snowball
quote:
Originally posted by pharmacymom
Good one Seadog. Loved it. Needed the chuckle after a very heartwrenching day yesterday. Just goes to show you how hipocritical most people with those bumper stickers are.
Thanks
Pharmacymom
There used to be blue taxi cabs in Orlando that had Christian symbols on the back of their cars. They were constantly speeding, cutting people off and doing every road crime we have a law for.
Transplanted Yankees?? 
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 04:41:55
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Problably transplanted New York City cab drivers. They are the most dangerous.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder2
Senior Member
3900 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 07:54:15
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I thought that there was a rule that you could not get a job as a New York City cab driver if you could speak English or understand traffic laws
cwsnyder2 |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9263 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 09:40:49
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The new rule is you have to shell out $200,000.00 before you pick up your first paying fare. 
BMThe Silver Haired TechIs PRAYER your STEERING WHEEL or your SPARE TIRE? |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2477 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 11:01:42
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed that he was watching a teenager next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. My dad just kept staring at him.
When the teenager had had enough, he sacastically asked "Hey old man, what's the matter? Have you never done anything wild in your life.
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn't choke on his response, knowing that he would have a good one. And in his classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response. "Ya know, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 11:52:05
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Thanks for the laugh Mr. Kite. I loved that response.
Pharmacymom
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 17:24:13
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Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
It under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
Open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
Line is backing up, putting the entire production line
Behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
Really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
Together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
Yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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Snowball
Senior Member
2686 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 20:23:41
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Considering the type of jokes that have been found on these boards I have practiced great restraint from telling this one, but I might as well post it before someone else gets the idea and I sue them for plagiarism. Just kidding, but yes, I would be highly upset if someone beats me to the punch.
A man is captured by Indians and is told by the Chief that he has 3 wishes before he dyes and he is entitled to one wish per day. The Chief asks him about his first wish. The man tells the Chief, "I want to talk to my horse."
The Chief looks puzzled and asks, "What do you want to talk to your horse for?"
"I just want to talk to my horse!"
The Chief grants his wish. The man talks to his horse, the horse runs off and returns with a blond woman on his back. The man shakes his head in disgust, takes the lady off the horse and spends the night with her in his Tee-Pee holding cell.
The Chief and the other Indians are confused wondering, "Do all Pail faces get this way before they die?"
The next day the Chief approaches the man again and asks, "What is your second wish?"
The man replies, "I want to talk to my horse."
The Chief utterly confused asks, "You talked to your horse yesterday. Why do you want to talk to your horse?"
"I just want to talk to my horse!" The man retorted.
He talks to his horse, the horse runs off and returns with another blond on his back. The man is really disgusted, but takes the lady off the horse and sleeps with her.
The Indians are by now very bewildered at the mans behavior.
The next day the Chief approaches and says, "OK. This is your 3rd day. What is your third wish."
Looking very serious, the man says with a cold voice, "I want to talk to my horse!"
The Chief couldn't believe it. "What do you want to talk to your horse for now!?" Asked the now perplexed Chief.
"I just want to talk to my horse!" Said the angry man.
The man stomps his way to the horse, looks him in the eye and yells, "I said posse you idiot!" |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 20:43:11
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| MrKite, Momndadmc1, and Snowball... Thanks for the giggles |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 10/30/2008 : 12:47:36
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FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
Great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
Her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
All the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
Killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
Quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2477 Posts |
Posted - 10/30/2008 : 14:31:48
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I hope Kim doesn't mind our blonde jokes!
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Edited by - MrKite on 10/30/2008 14:33:25 |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 11/01/2008 : 15:34:03
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Some children out 'Trick 'r treating' last night, knocked on a door and when this old grouchy man answered and seen the children, and before they could say "Trick or treat." The man ask, What you kids got in those bags": The children replied: "Candy." The old man said: "Give me all the candy, I'm going to give half of it to children that are too lazy to go out trick or treating."
One of the little boys yelled out; "AWWW.. SHUCKS.....another damn politician."
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"A Government big enough to give you everything you want,
Is also big enough to take everything you have."
Thomas Jefferson |
Edited by - Seadog on 11/01/2008 15:53:36 |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 11/01/2008 : 17:47:21
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Thanks for the laugh Seadog. And for the saying that has long since been forgotten. Wish we had more like Thomas Jefferson.
Pharmacymom |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2008 : 07:40:41
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THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the
senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .
Today you voted.' |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2008 : 07:55:25
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| Very good Chris. I like that. Renae |
Edited by - infohound on 11/03/2008 07:56:41 |
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