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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
 Posted - 08/05/2006 : 16:26:23
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 I guess that's why I'm single |
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morgoth
Intermediate Member
864 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2006 : 16:51:06
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- 1?
- yes
- not legaly while alive
- 1
- the match, I guess
- 12
- till I took the last one?
- white
- 1/2 way
- I do football questions
- a nickle and a 50¢ piece
- 9
- 70
- they did not play each other
- the 2 I took
- I'm from Missouri, Show Me.
- he's a Christian beggar, sister
- 2?
- not if he's as dead as it sounds
- they were facing each other in the car?
that was fun, got any more? |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 08/06/2006 : 13:27:57
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2. Do they have a Fourth of July in England?
If the word 'Fourth' is intentionally capitalised then no. |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 08/06/2006 : 17:27:19
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Well here are my answers to: GENIUS QUIZ
1. If you went to sleep at 8 at night and set the alarm on your 12-hour clock for 9 in the morning, how many hours would you sleep?
1 hour
2. Do they have a Fourth of July in England?
Yes, but they don’t celebrate it
3. Can a man living in Winston-Salem, NC, be buried west of the Mississippi River?
Why bury a living guy?
4. How many birthdays does the average person have?
1, the rest are anniversaries
5. If you had one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil burner, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?
The match
6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31 days. How many have 28 days?
All of them
7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to take one every 1/2-hour, how long would they last?
1 hour, pill (wait) pill (wait) pill
8. A man builds a house with four sides to it. It is rectangular in shape. Each side has a southern exposure. What color is the bear that comes wandering by?
White, only place a house with that description can be built is @ North Pole, the only bears there are polar bears
9. How far can a dog go running into the woods?
½ way
10. What is the minimum number of active players on a baseball field during any part of an inning? How many outs in each inning?
If you watch baseball, most of the time nobody is doing anything. 6 outs
11. I have in my hand two current U.S. coins, which have a total of 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
But the other one is a nickel
12. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but nine died. How many did he have left?
Nine
13. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
70
14. Two men played checkers. They played 5 complete games and each won the same number of games. There were no tied games. How can you figure that?
They didn’t play each other
15. You take two apples from three apples. How many do you have?
Two
16. An archeologist claims that he has found some gold coins dated 45 BC do you think he did?
No, they used a different calendar then. How would they know it was 45 yrs. Before Christ?
17. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
The beggar could be a woman or a Nun
18. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
None, it was Noah that used the Ark
19. Is it legal in New Mexico for a man to marry his widow's sister?
He’s dead
20. Two policemen are trying to spot a getaway car on a highway. One policeman looked in one direction; the other policeman looked in the other direction. The first policeman asked the second, "What are you smiling about?" How did he know he was smiling?
They were looking out the opposite window
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2006 : 17:28:09
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A man goes to the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this, too; I have an idea if you are up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. From the pulpit, I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin."
At church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the minister put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr.Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the ministers quick reply.
Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.
Soon Mrs.Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr.Jones.
"My God!' howled Mrs.Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a really hard, threatening glare.
Before long, though, she again nodded off to sleep. This time, however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted: "You stick that thing in me just one more time, and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"
And all the women in the congregation replied -- "Amen, sister!" |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2006 : 02:27:25
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| I just bought a new car cheap on eBay. But I'm not happy with it, it won't go backwards. I thought the listing said 'no reserve'... |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
Posted - 08/10/2006 : 10:48:21
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I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."
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I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance
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I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
Posted - 08/10/2006 : 10:53:01
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Recently I stumbled and fell, injuring my upper lip pretty bad. It really looked worse than it was. (only 2 stitches)
A couple of days later, my husband and I saw a friend who asked "what happened to your lip" I told him "Well, I don't talk back any more!"
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 08/10/2006 : 11:17:48
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quote:
Originally posted by Primrose
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance
That was a real LOL. |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 08/10/2006 : 12:12:54
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quote:
Originally posted by zak
I just bought a new car cheap on eBay. But I'm not happy with it, it won't go backwards. I thought the listing said 'no reserve'...
I LIKE it! 
..Linda |
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Swani
Intermediate Member
1490 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2006 : 14:32:56
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Kids...
Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning.... If you need
a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are
real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.go., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
(Makes sense to me!) he he
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bluheron
Junior Member
113 Posts |
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*user deleted*
Starting Member
2 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 13:25:13
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
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Swani
Intermediate Member
1490 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 13:59:00
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Note: No, I am not retired.
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work
and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as
a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the
people he used to work with?
Answer : He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
My favorite one:
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 16:12:51
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I like that, Laura! And I can certainly identify!
..Linda |
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