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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
 Posted - 07/11/2008 : 02:06:01
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Reminds me of a time when we were in Seattle in the early '60s. My friend and I were assigned to the ROTC at the University of Washington. We were driving home in our uniforms when we saw a sign of a House for sale. I have always been interested in real estate so we decided to take a detour and check it out.
When we knocked on the door, both of us in our dress field grade uniforms the woman answered the door and looked quite shocked and frightened.
She was quite relieved to find out we were only there to look at the house and not to bring her bad news about her husband who was stationed in Viet Nam.
We had not considered the fact that we could be mistaken for a survivor notification team and never went house hunting in uniform again.
Xhi
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2008 : 11:38:03
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Received in my email today.
I thought this might appeal to those of you with scientific or engineering interests.
New Element Discovered
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mess of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities oflepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentiums mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Xhi
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2008 : 04:34:38
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I love the chemical twist to naming our government workers/politicians. Thanks, XHI. I am still laughing.
Pharmacymom
(alias a chemist in career). |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2008 : 12:54:34
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2008 : 18:18:30
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Renae: My ex was of polish decent. So I can really relate to that joke. There are lots of z's and c's and the like in his last name too. My mom called it alphabet soup name.
Pharmacymom |
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Fuzzy317
Junior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 17:46:01
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the 'Ring Bear' . . . "
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 19:35:04
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Cute Fuzzy. My niece was the flower girl. She stole the show, she was so cute coming down the aisle. Thanks for the laugh and the trip down memory lane.
Pharmacymom |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 19:40:15
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That is a Cute joke Fuzzy. |
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LennyS
Senior Member
4000 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 19:49:13
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Thanks for dredging up memories. I was ring bearer twice while a preschooler and have never lost the memories even tho I can't remember what movie I watched last night.
Lenny |
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Fuzzy317
Junior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 01:39:37
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I too was a ring bearer as a pre-schooler at a cousin's wedding. The day before, I was outside playing and was hit with a tree limb or ran into a limb (don't recall) hitting my face. If you look close at the pictures, you can see where they tried to cover up the bruise on the bridge of my nose with some makeup.  |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2477 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 14:05:14
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AND THEN THE FIGHTING STARTED . . .
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 14:52:57
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 21:21:16
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Nice to see the attorney taken for once. Guess Grandpa was going to use his winnings to pay the attorney. Thanks for the chuckle.
Pharmacymom |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2008 : 20:42:33
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I Borrowed this one. Hope they don't mind.
John received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. John tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. John was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.'
John was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" |
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LennyS
Senior Member
4000 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2008 : 20:47:05
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Now that is FUNNY.
Lenny |
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