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Fuzzy317
Junior Member
173 Posts |
 Posted - 06/17/2008 : 21:17:39
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I would hate to see
IS**CK or US**CK
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Edited by - Fuzzy317 on 06/17/2008 21:20:08 |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2008 : 13:22:58
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A Country Funeral Story:
As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country,and this
man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a
typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my
tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave.
There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not
hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour
out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter
tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen,"
"Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So,
I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from
Genesis to Revelations.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men,and walked
to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the
workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've
been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"
Chris
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2008 : 14:07:29
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 Now THAT is funny Thanks Chris. |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2008 : 14:10:09
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Read it (funeral story) again..and still laughed. One of the advantages of being older is you forget the punch lines. 
Primrose |
Edited by - Primrose on 06/19/2008 14:14:52 |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2008 : 14:24:48
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I liked the "funeral story" too, Chris. Thanks for the chuckle.
Pharmacymom |
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Fuzzy317
Junior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2008 : 13:51:02
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to continue with funeral theme for a little while.
True love: A Wonderful Story of Love and Marriage
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
'Stay out of those,' she said. 'They're for the funeral.'
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Edited by - Fuzzy317 on 06/21/2008 13:54:21 |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2008 : 14:33:13
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| aaawww !! |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2008 : 19:44:32
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A little naughty...
The Sunburn
A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheet off his legs.'
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Fuzzy317
Junior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2008 : 21:29:50
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| Thats a funny one. ;) |
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Fuzzy317
Junior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2008 : 19:45:21
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Tarzan came swinging in on a vine and plopped himself down in the tree house exhausted.
"Rough day, dear?" Jane asked.
"You know it!", Tarzan replied. "Would you mind fixing me a martini?"
Jane comes back with a martini. Tarzan drinks it quickly. "Honey, would you mind fixing me another? Make it a double!"
Worried, Jane says, "Sweetie, don't you think you've been drinking an awful lot lately?"
"Jane, you just don't understand! It's a jungle out there!"
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Raggtopp
Junior Member
152 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2008 : 01:59:01
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You all are full of chuckles. Thanks for giving me a few laughs .
Raggtopp |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2008 : 07:11:35
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Been around but some new ones(to me)
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Everytime they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off
Please share this with your friends who love -- but sometimes hate -- their computer! (or cars!)
Primrose
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Fuzzy317
Junior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2008 : 00:46:45
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
The pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2008 : 06:02:32
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Fuzzy: THey are all good, thanks. And Renae, loved the sunburn joke. My brother-in-law is very fair skinned, red haired, and fell asleep on the beach the day after their senior prom way back when. My sister dutifully covered him up except for the bottoms of his feet. She never thought that they too would burn. It was fun watching him try to get around on his knees as his feet were so burned he couldn't walk. So remember the sunscreen on the feet too, even the bottoms.
Pharmacymom |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2008 : 07:18:19
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quote:
My sister dutifully covered him up except for the bottoms of his feet. She never thought that they too would burn. It was fun watching him try to get around on his knees as his feet were so burned he couldn't walk. So remember the sunscreen on the feet too, even the bottoms.
Pharmacymom
ouch, ouch ouch, OUCH. |
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