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LampPost
Intermediate Member
587 Posts |
 Posted - 07/18/2006 : 09:50:31
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| Tech Support should love the Etch A Sketch joke. |
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*user deleted*
Junior Member
122 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2006 : 19:53:44
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Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2006 : 16:24:38
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In celebration of Labor Day, here are some fun things to do at work to keep them guessing!
-- Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.'
-- Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.
-- Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
-- Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'
-- Proudly show everyone your PDA and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.
-- Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.
-- Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.
-- Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.
-- Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.
And my favorite
-- When the phone rings, answer by saying "Kim Komando Show. You're on the air."
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2006 : 16:30:17
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| And next time you get into an elevator... wait until the doors close and then announce in a loud voice "I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today". |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2006 : 19:28:38
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Ok, so you guys have been in the beer, right?
..Linda |
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morgoth
Intermediate Member
864 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2006 : 19:42:57
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quote:
"I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today".
heh, heh, heh.
good one. |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2006 : 21:36:52
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A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria they’re the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2006 : 02:19:32
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That's good stuff, thanks Fabrat  |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2006 : 08:52:00
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| Your welcome. It helps to have weird friends who have nothing else to do. |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2006 : 09:14:11
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Nice going, Fabrat. I like all of those! 
..Linda |
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WyoAndrew
Junior Member
251 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2006 : 10:18:27
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Those are hilarious...i was laughing at just about each one!!!
-Andrew |
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ColdFusion
Junior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2006 : 09:32:55
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Subject: The proper vocation (My computer came up with this one all by itself) 
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper vocation?"
The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of the vocation must fit the individual."
"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the scholer sobbed.
Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
Subject: The Pirate and the Steering Wheel
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender looks up and asks, "Sir, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responds, "ARGH! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!!!" |
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morgoth
Intermediate Member
864 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2006 : 14:26:14
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I have a fireplace that actually burns wood. I have a chainsaw with which I actually cut my cordwood. A splitting maul.
But I had no axe for a few years with which to trim those pesky small limbs, inconvenient to start the saw for.
Went to the local Payless Cashways to purchase aforesaid axe. When my turn came in the checkout line, the cute young college girl got all wide eyed and quipped, "What would anyone want one of those for!"
Thinking quickly, I said, "I found myself in that bar fight at the Silver Bullet last weekend, and was totally unprepared." 
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2006 : 13:55:19
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GENIUS QUIZ
1. If you went to sleep at 8 at night and set the alarm on your 12-hour clock for 9 in the morning, how many hours would you sleep?
2. Do they have a Fourth of July in England?
3. Can a man living in Winston-Salem, NC, be buried west of the Mississippi River?
4. How many birthdays does the average person have?
5. If you had one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil burner, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?
6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31 days. How many have 28 days?
7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to take one every 1/2-hour, how long would they last?
8. A man builds a house with four sides to it. It is rectangular in shape. Each side has a southern exposure. What color is the bear that comes wandering by?
9. How far can a dog go running into the woods?
10. What is the minimum number of active players on a baseball field during any part of an inning? How many outs in each inning?
11. I have in my hand two current U.S. coins, which have a total of 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
12. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but nine died. How many did he have left?
13. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
14. Two men played checkers. They played 5 complete games and each won the same number of games. There were no tied games. How can you figure that?
15. You take two apples from three apples. How many do you have?
16. An archeologist claims that he has found some gold coins dated 45 BC do you think he did?
17. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
18. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
19. Is it legal in New Mexico for a man to marry his widow's sister?
20. Two policemen are trying to spot a getaway car on a highway. One policeman looked in one direction; the other policeman looked in the other direction. The first policeman asked the second, "What are you smiling about?" How did he know he was smiling?
 I acquired these questions without answers. With the help of friends & co-workers I know at least an answer, are there more than one??
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Deirdre
Senior Member
2200 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2006 : 15:21:22
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quote:
Originally posted by morgothThinking quickly, I said, "I found myself in that bar fight at the Silver Bullet last weekend, and was totally unprepared."
And your wife lets you out unsupervised??? |
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