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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
 Posted - 06/19/2006 : 07:18:45
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Subject: Typical Lawyer
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2006 : 07:29:46
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Cleaning Your Mouse:
(You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on computer! I was shocked to see this works!)
To re calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S.
Then drag the S toward the e. Then still holding the left button sweep down to the L.
If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.
Stop srewing around and go do something constructive----I figured that there would be at least a few of you that would fall for this one!! LOL
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 11:02:38
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Fabrat, I especially like the mouse one! Too cool!
..Linda |
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LampPost
Intermediate Member
587 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 12:38:01
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How'd You Do That?
Too Cute! |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 13:16:01
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To get the font "white" in color I had to type in white in the code. Just choose any color & change it to white. White is supported but not listed. The idea came from an email I got from a friend. I had to change a word in case some kids read it |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 16:25:35
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Oh, that's a good one Fabrat  |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 16:37:32
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This was from years ago.. a satire on the plethora of fake virus warnings that were doing the rounds.
Subject: GoodTimes Virus 2.0
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There's a new virus that will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girl or boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your wine and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead squirrel in the back pocket of your good pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes 2.0 will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while you're sleeping.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead; such is the power of Goodtimes 2.0. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes 2.0 will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade-schoolers with your new snowblower.
Goodtimes 2.0 will prompt your mother to call on Friday and Saturday nights for two months. It will place your wallet and keys on an obscure shelf in the basement. It will emulate your face and stare into the neighbor's bathroom window.
Goodtimes 2.0 has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice. It will make your bloomers shrink two sizes, and it will make you gain 15 pounds. If this results in a wedgie, then Goodtimes will leave a nasty skid mark. |
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WyoAndrew
Junior Member
251 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 19:39:30
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Hey that mouse joke is awesome!!!!!!
-Andrew |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2006 : 07:10:32
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Thanks for the compliments on the jokes. I'll pass them on to who sent them to me.
Life pleasures in retirement.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went to Winnipeg Beach and went to a shop in 2nd Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog excrement. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. . |
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LampPost
Intermediate Member
587 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2006 : 13:06:21
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| That is sooooo bad. Hilarious, but bad. |
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morgoth
Intermediate Member
864 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 21:50:20
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THE ENGINEER WHO WAS SENT TO HELL.
There was this engineer who was, by mistake, sent to hell. Having led a truly virtuous and productive life, he felt that surely there had been some mistake. Taking directions from some minor Demon, he was instructed that there was an elevator in the lobby that could take him directly to Satan's office where he could look into this matter.
Upon arriving at the elevator he found a large sign with fiery red letters saying, OUT OF ORDER. The engineer therefore spent the rest of the day repairing the elevator. It turned out to be nothing more than fuses.
So on his second day in hell, the engineer rides the elevator all the way to Satan's office, knocks on the door and walks right in. His arrival (or for that matter, anyones arrival) catches Satan by surprise, and two lusty sylphs fall from his lap as he entones one of his favorite curses, "Just what the hell you do want here?"
"I am here by mistake. And I want that mistake corrected."
"And just how did you get up here anyway?" Satan stalled, scraping the point of his chin with point of his tail.
"My God! It was only fuses, what kind of engineer do you think I am anyway?"
"Engineer? Huh. Well, I would like to help you out, but this damned air-conditioning hasn't been working for a few thousand years. I just can't concentrate in all this heat."
So, the engineer spends his second day in hell fixing the air-conditioning. On the third day he arose again in the elevator, according to Scriptures. Barging into Satan's office again, he declares, "OK. It's now 72° and the relative humidity at 55%. Can we pursue this matter that I should not be here at all?"
"While I truly appreciate you taking initiative and fixing the air-conditioning," replies the Father of Lies, " I still cannot help you. You see, the phone system is not working."
The engineer therefore spent the rest of the third day and fixing the phone system. It was the only phone system he ever encountered that had fuses.
On the fourth day the engineer again rides the elevator to hell's only corner office, and barges in on the chief bureaucrat. But he does not get a chance to open his mouth because as soon as he enters the room the phone rings.
Grabbing up the receiver and squeezing it so hard that it begins to smoke, Satan invokes again his favorite line. "Just what the hell you want?"
Turns out, it was GOD on the other end.
"Lucifer, old boy, I hear you have one of my engineers down there and I want him back."
"Oh yeah, and just exactly what are you going to do about it?"
" Why, why, why, I'll sue!"
"And just exactly where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?"
(it's just possible I embellished that one a bit.) |
Edited by - morgoth on 06/29/2006 21:51:51 |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 07:46:58
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 16:19:22
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quote:
Originally posted by Fabrat
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Oh that's gd. |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 16:25:38
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Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 07/15/2006 : 17:05:49
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One I heard on TV today...
An elderly couple go into MacDonalds and order a Big Mac and fries.
Once seated, they carefully carefully cut the Big Mac in half and sort the fries between them. The man then starts to eat, but the woman just sits and watches.
Worried that the couple can't afford any more, their server goes over to their table and offers to buy another Big Mac and fries. The man politely refuses saying that in all of their 60 years of marriage they've shared everything.
The man then goes back to eating his half of the meal, while the woman sits watching.
Again, the server offers to buy another meal - but this time the woman refuses, saying the same thing - that they've been married for 60 years and share everything.
The man continues eating, while the woman sits watching.
Out of curiousity the server goes back over to the table to ask why the woman isn't eating... 'well son' she says 'I'm waiting for the teeth'. |
Edited by - *user deleted* on 07/15/2006 17:08:45 |
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