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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
 Posted - 02/26/2008 : 10:15:38
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This one's for the working people.
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks, Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send this via E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... Therapy. |
Edited by - Seadog on 02/26/2008 10:19:09 |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2008 : 10:31:59
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quote:
Originally posted by Seadog
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
That will really confuse them.
Chris |
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WiPer06
Junior Member
137 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2008 : 19:35:37
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A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answered, "Yes." So the robber shot him in the head.
He then asked the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
This hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."
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Snowball
Senior Member
2686 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2008 : 07:26:22
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quote:
Originally posted by WiPer06
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answered, "Yes." So the robber shot him in the head.
He then asked the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
This hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."
Now that was cold.  But funny.
Speaking of cold it's now 49 degrees in Central Florida. |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2008 : 22:06:56
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After viewing the video posted by Stevebug I thought we all needed a laugh to counter the meanness of those parents towards their child.
Seadog
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A farmer, named Clyde , had a motor accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .
'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now tell me, what would you say?'
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2008 : 22:23:25
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Thanks Seadog... that was cute, and I agree we needed something to lighten the mood.
Picaninny |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2008 : 06:10:55
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Thanks Seadog. I would have made the same response.
Pharmacymom |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14282 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2008 : 09:20:17
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Having a Birthday just 12 days after Christmas often things I really wanted for Christmas were put off until my Birthday. Sometimes with a meanness similar to if not as bad as the one above. To this day I do not observe either Christmas or Birthdays.
However, at any other time I try to discern what other people need or want and see that they get it. I am the champion of the unChristmas/unBirthday present.
Of course this did not apply to my kids when they were young. I tried there to make the observances of such dates to be as normal and festive as possible.
Xhi
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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Diablo
Senior Member
1709 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2008 : 10:32:45
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quote:
Originally posted by xhi
Having a Birthday just 12 days after Christmas often things I really wanted for Christmas were put off until my Birthday. Sometimes with a meanness similar to if not as bad as the one above. To this day I do not observe either Christmas or Birthdays.
However, at any other time I try to discern what other people need or want and see that they get it. I am the champion of the unChristmas/unBirthday present.
Of course this did not apply to my kids when they were young. I tried there to make the observances of such dates to be as normal and festive as possible.
Xhi
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas
Xhi, thank you for your observations.
Christmas and birthday presents always made me apprehensive--I don't really know why--I had a relatively normal childhood. Holiday/birthday cards even make me nervous. Often they are not opened until much later.
Your second paragraph really hit home--I too like to give the UnChristmas, unbirthday presents. Particularly when it is something someone really wants or needs.
Having no children I really never had experience with last paragraph.
Diablo |
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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9260 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2008 : 12:31:00
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Diablo, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one in this world that chose not to have children. I've had 6 step kids in 2 marriages, and I felt I contributed enough to them and didn't want any of my own. Raising those 6 was just like having my own anyway.
GOD wants you to make more than 911 calls to Him. |
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Snowball
Senior Member
2686 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2008 : 15:42:58
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Sorry if this was posted before (I don't think it has) but this was just too good to pass up.
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi
grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else
to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones,
do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows
me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2008 : 19:41:34
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Thanks Snowball... that was
Picaninny |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2008 : 20:03:22
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Blonde Ice fishing
A blonde decided she needed something new and different
for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert
in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all
the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of
equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area,
placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she
was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved
further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There! are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this
certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back,
"No, this is the manager of the skating rink!" |
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Uriah
Senior Member
3604 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2008 : 11:53:53
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular BLUETOOTH cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog."
Adult beverages are Life's lubricant!
Uriah |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 03/09/2008 : 07:47:51
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Thanks for the chuckle Uriah. I loved it.
Pharmacymom |
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