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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1281 Posts |
 Posted - 01/11/2008 : 16:16:13
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I love it and I can relate to it!!
Primrose
I may be over the hill but I took the scenic route to get here!
Frank and Ernest cartoon |
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Swani
Intermediate Member
1490 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2008 : 17:16:30
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| Now that was funny, Seadog |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2008 : 20:52:52
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Uriah: Now that sounds like an episode out of Maurey Povich or Jerry Springer. Loved the chuckle, and the irony.
Pharmacymom |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2008 : 20:57:50
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Very cute, and yes I can relate, Seadog.
Pharmacymom |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2008 : 06:12:55
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That is just too comical  Just what I needed on this cold, dreary morning 
H48 |
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MrKite
Senior Member
2474 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2008 : 17:48:19
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in West Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!"
"What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person!"
"You and your kind continue to perpetrate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general . . . and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little smarty-mouth guy on your knee!" |
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Picaninny
Intermediate Member
1186 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2008 : 19:20:54
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Thanks MrKite that made me laugh and lifted my spirits. I needed a good laugh.
Picaninny |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2008 : 21:14:45
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| Thanks MrKite for the laugh and I showed it to my husband... and he thanks you too. |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 01/17/2008 : 09:56:55
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Another 'Watch what you say when kids are nearby.'
After giving his sermon, the Minister walked to the back of the church to greet parishioners. After shaking a few adult hand, he came upon the 7-year old son of a deacon of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake the boys hand. As they shook, he felt something in the palm of the boys hand. "Whats this," the preacher asked.
"Money," Jonathan said with a big smile on his face. "Its for you."
"I dont want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," the boy said. "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had so I want to help you."
Seadog
My apologies for this appearing in bold print, I copied and pasted it from "Word." and it showed up this way. |
Edited by - Seadog on 01/17/2008 10:04:35 |
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xhi
Advanced Member
14279 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2008 : 11:33:44
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This one has been around, but I just got it again today and still laughed, so guess it may be worth posting.
What retired people do all day:
"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person
a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a "doughnut Eating Gestapo." He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The
more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car
that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said
"Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important to my health."
Xhi
Never start vast projects with half-vast ideas |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2008 : 21:08:42
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What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
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How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Edited by - infohound on 01/19/2008 21:13:27 |
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Uriah
Senior Member
3604 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2008 : 02:47:52
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The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young
PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2008 : 12:14:54
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One day four men, a School Principle, a Politician, a Banker and a Union member were discussion their dogs. The first three bragging about their dog's pedigree.
The Principal said his dog, named 'T-Square' could do math calculations. So, he told T-Square to draw in the dirt, a Circle, a Square and a Triangle. Old T-Square had no trouble doing that.
The Banker and the Politician both commented "That's one smart dog."
Then the politician said his dog 'Promise' is smarter and told promise to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into four equal stacks. Old Promise did this without a problem.
The Principle and politician both agreed that the politician had a smart dog.
The Banker then said both dogs may be smart but his dog named 'Overdrawn' was a lot smarter.
So, the Banker told old Overdrawn to get a quart of milk and put eight ounces in four glasses. He did this with ease.
At this time, hearing no comment from the Union member about their dogs,they asked him what could that old dumb mutt of his do.
The Union member said "Let me show you what this old "Mutt" as you called him can do, by the way his name is 'Coffee Break'."
Then he told old Coffee Break to do his stuff.
Old Coffee Break went over to the other three dogs erased the circle, square and triangle, ate the cookies, drank the milk, whipped the other three pedigreed dogs, claimed he hurt his back and went home on sick leave.
Seadog |
Edited by - Seadog on 01/21/2008 13:46:15 |
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2008 : 18:16:15
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Dog Talk
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told them. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
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