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n3ynd
Intermediate Member
597 Posts |
 Posted - 09/11/2007 : 14:52:43
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The Witness
A man came home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby
if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun
to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I
lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Mercedes I
bought for you. He paid for your season football tickets. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even
pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he
catches cold. |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 09/17/2007 : 09:08:09
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Monday's Joke to get you started for the week.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. They are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone,
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks? "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes an old newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 09/17/2007 : 09:37:56
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Good one Seadog. I got a good chuckle out of that one.
Pharmacymom |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 09/19/2007 : 07:42:06
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This one's for Krause.
A Preacher’s last request
An old preacher was dying. He asked his banker and lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. In fact, they both remembered many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that had made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The crusty old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
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MamaTurtle
Junior Member
354 Posts |
Posted - 09/19/2007 : 08:19:41
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| That was a good one. I will have to email that to all my friends.... I guess I will have to read through aa the jokes of the day. Can't wait tyo hear more. Maybe you could make it a one a day thing? You are hillarious! Krause |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2007 : 18:34:11
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The collector of these jokes must have really hated lawyers. Here are some other ones:
A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my affianced. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem - I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: how do I tell my affianced about my brother the lawyer?
A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
cwsnyder |
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MamaTurtle
Junior Member
354 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2007 : 19:38:36
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I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car,and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said,"I am NOT happy".
I said,"Well,which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!!! |
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H48
Senior Member
3841 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2007 : 20:19:33
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MamaTurtle
Junior Member
354 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2007 : 20:22:47
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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little while later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,"If you stick that da*n thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.......... |
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dadmc1
Senior Member
2512 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2007 : 07:22:32
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Country Computer Guide
Log on...........Making the wood stove hotter.
Log off..........Do not add anymore wood.
Monitor..........Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
Download.........Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Megahertz........Happens when you are not careful downloading.
Floppy disk......What you get from stacking too much firewood.
Modem............What you did to the hay field.
Hard drive.......How you get home in the winter.
Keyboard.........Where you hang your car keys.
Software.........Plastic eating utensils.
Laptop...........Where the little ones feel comfortable.
Chris
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fip100
Junior Member
412 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2007 : 09:41:16
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Chris,
Good one!
Fran |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2007 : 10:08:40
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Like that Chris.
Pharmacymom |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2007 : 17:02:11
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| That is clever Chris... cute |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 10/12/2007 : 16:20:23
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Am I putting up too many lawyer jokes?
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
"I heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
cwsnyder |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 10/15/2007 : 16:08:56
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I still like keeping this topic close to the top. Here is another set of lawyer jokes:
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.
A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A:The rooster clucks defiance.
Enjoy!
cwsnyder |
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