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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
 Posted - 08/26/2007 : 16:40:29
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More Lawyer jokes:
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
cwsnyder |
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*user deleted*
Junior Member
230 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 17:19:39
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The South
KENTUCKY:
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
ARKANSAS:
A group of Arkansas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?", the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?", they inquired. "A tough call", nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry".
TENNESSEE:
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 20:41:12
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For the older generation 
The Spoiled _ 30 Crowd
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill
BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself
that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going
to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how
hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and
notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know
how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the
darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card
catalog!!
There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody
a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the
way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it
would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the darn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the
DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like " Space Invaders" and "asteroids"
and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your imagination! And there were
no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you
died! . Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing
as stadium seating! All the seats were the same
height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was
only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu
and no remote control! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You
had to get off your a$$ and walk over to the TV to
change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network
either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little
b*****ds!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove or go build a
fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use
that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in
1980!
This was written by a person over 30, we seniors have a much different perspective as noted in the following replies. |
Edited by - Primrose on 08/30/2007 07:35:41 |
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LennyS
Senior Member
4000 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 21:09:49
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Primrose,
May I supply an addendum?
In the early 1930's our radio required earphones.
The telephone had no dial. You picked up the ear piece and an operator answered to take the number that you wanted. We were on a party line and the phone number was 2381J (J meaning at least 9 others on the line).
To all of the things noted by Primrose that were not available add:
NO TV. NO SKATE BOARDS. Roller skates had four wheels and clamped to your shoes. No light switches except for a pull chain on the light itself. Indoor plumbing was a luxury. To keep perishable food cold you had an Icebox. When you needed ice you put a card in your front window for the ice man. Milk was delivered in quart bottles with about an inch of cream on the top. You used a cream dipper to separate it from the milk. For winter heat, coal was delivered (another card in the window).
Lenny
Simple minds generate simple solutions! |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 21:23:46
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Lenny: The house I live in was built during WWII and used for military housing. We have coal bins to use for heat (although) almost no one uses coal to heat their homes now unless they have coal burning fireplaces, many still have the coal bins on their front porch). We still have pull string lights in the utility rooms in our homes. And often we use a cooler to ice down our food as electric fails about once a month and has lasted for more than a day or two on occasion. But we have to order the coal over the phone, and go to the store for ice or dry ice (for our freezers). And now cause comcast can't get it right, some of us have unintended party lines and horrible static for those that have phone service through comcast.
A long way we've come in 70 years!
Pharmacymom |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 21:34:42
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Primrose: They wouldn't have lasted back in the fifties either. WE had only broadcast tv, no microwaves, no computers, no vcr's, and imagination was what we had to use when we played, no large amusement parks with water rides and super fast roller coasters (although we did have Palisades Amusement Park-which is now long gone to condos). We did walk to school, yes in the snow, (snow days were unheard of except in the midst of a blizzard, and we didn't have our own in or above the ground pools either. It was the old metal pole kiddy pool with waterproof canvas to hold the water.
But I do remember things like my mom making rhubarb pie, hunting for blueberries and raspberries, drive-in movie theaters (those are all but extinct now).
So you are right! Kids have no idea how good they have it and how much they have now.
Pharmacymom |
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LennyS
Senior Member
4000 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 21:39:46
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P-mom,
Add to my post above:
The milk wagon was horse drawn.
The coal truck had an open cab, was chain drive, and had solid wheels.
A vegetable farmer came around once a week, and yes, another horse drawn wagon.
To buy meet you went to the butcher shop.
To get shoes repaired you went to the cobbler shop.
A knife and scissor sharpener, another horse drawn wagon, came around periodically.
To cut down a tree a two man crosscut saw was required, after notching the tree with an axe so that it fell in the rite direction.
Lenny
Simple minds generate simple solutions!
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 22:21:30
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LennyS... Being born in the 40's, I remember many things that you mentioned. The ice for the ice box, the milk delivered with the cream on top. The indoor plumbing was there, but no hot water. All hot water was heated on the stove. Ah, the roller skates, clamp them on my shoes,away I went; great, the bruises went away quickly. My Mother had been one of those telephone operators. Entertainment was left up to our imagination and on Saturday night it was going down town, which was one Main Street, getting an ice cream, sitting on the bench and watching everyone else, watching you. Toys were dolls, paper dolls, jax, marbles and my treasured pieces of broken colored glass that I used for markers for hopscotch. My bow and arrow that my Pompa made for me out of two sticks and string was very special too.
The 50's were memorable too. And I do not know about you, but we liked it, very happy times. While we missed a lot that they have today, I think that they miss an awful lot that we had then. Renae |
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LennyS
Senior Member
4000 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 22:35:34
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To all,
I believe that we are very pleasantly off topic.
Lenny
Simple minds generate simple solutions! |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 22:56:42
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Pharmacymom... We really have not come that far in a lot of ways. Although there is no party line anymore, when you call a business it is so frustrating. First it is press this or that for English. Then, try speaking to a real live human being. First you have to go through a list of about ten menu items, none of which you called about. Then if you do not select one, they go through the whole list again. Sometimes I would prefer the party line. At least when you did get on and called someone, they would actually answer the phone, imagine that. Of course the conversation was never assured of privacy. A Nosey Nellie next door could not wait to "over the fence" gossip to another neighbor who did not happen to be listening at the time.
I use Comcast for my cable T.V. and Internet. We have used Bell South, now AT&T, for years for our phone and the service is great, now if someone would actually answer, it would be terrific.
I, once again, have taken up someone's Topic and I have no joke. Sorry Linda. |
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Diablo
Senior Member
1711 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 23:05:38
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Primrose, Lenny, Pharmacymom, and Renae,
I was born in late 1943 and I hope you don't mind me adding some of my experience to the thread.
The first telephone I remember was mounted on the wall and had a crank for summoning the operator--also a party line--talk about lack of privacy.
We too had indoor plumbing--but no hot water. Heated on the stove.
I remember the monitor top refrigerator--Referred to as a Frigidaire.
And a kerosene cookstove--full size range, but boy did it stink!
People LISTENED to the radio then--now with internet many of those old shows are still available. (My first radio was a crystal set.)
We got our first TV about 1950--expensive, black and white, 14inch screen--and when it quit working it might be months before repairs could be afforded.
Being here in Texas, air-conditioning probably arrived early. My stats might be a little off on this but I remember in 1959 2% of the Chevrolets sold were air-conditioned. They must have all been here because it was hard to find one without A/C.
The first time I saw "Blue Hawaii" was at the drive-in--$1.00 a carload.
In settling up my family's estate I also found electric bills for 15-20 dollars--and we had a dairy.
Anybody here ever go to the convenience store to check and replace their radio tubes?
Even though I graduated college in 1971 I was so behind in the digital age that I was lucky to sorta-kinda remember the Dewey Decimal System.
It sure helped when I couldn't use to computer in the library to find a book!
I enjoyed reading everyone else's posts.
Diablo
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2007 : 18:51:27
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I also enjoyed the nostalgia! But here are more lawyer joke:
A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
A: Deep down, they're much nicer people.
Enjoy!
cwsnyder |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 09/03/2007 : 08:39:48
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Four men were applying for a job at Wally World.
The interviewer said to the four men; "Gentlemen, there's only one job available, so, I am going to ask one question, whoever gives me the best answer will get the job,O.K."
The four men nodded yes.
The Interviewer: "In one word tell me what you think is the fastest/quickest thing in the world." He pointed at one of the men indicating he was to answer first.
First man: "Blink of an Eye."
Interviewer: "Very good." Points to second man, "Now you, Sir what's your answer?"
Second Man: "A thought."
Interviewer "Why a thought?"
Second man: "Well, a thought can pop in your mind before you can blink an eye."
Interviewer: " That is a good one", Points to the third man, "Your answer, Sir?"
Third man: "A light."
Interviewer: "Why a light?"
Third man: " Well, You can throw a light switch, and before you can think about it or blink an eye, the light comes on."
Interviewer: "Outstanding answer." Points to the fourth man, "Those answers will be hard to beat, What is yours?"
Fourth man: "Diarrhea."
Interviewer: "Why in the world would you think diarrhea is the fastest thing in the world?
Fourth man: "You enter the bath room, Your stomach growls, before you can BLINK AN EYE or THINK to TURN ON THE LIGHT you've already crapped in your pants."
Interviewer:" WELCOME TO WALMART, SIR." |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 09/03/2007 : 09:21:39
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Diablo: I remember going to the local tv repair shop and purchasing tubes and testing the old ones for our tv when I was a kid. We did not have color tv until 1976, which was solid state rather than tubes. And I too was not too much into computers until I started working in a lab in 1987 and had to learn how to enter results on a keyboard. Prior to that it was punch cards to enter data into a huge computer system. Our local community college did not switch to pc's until early 1990's. And likewise our first air conditioned car was my 1973 Nova. Our first air conditioner was a window unit around the same time. Prior to that it was the whole house fan that kept the house relatively cool. And I too remember all those hours in the library searching the card files arranged according to the Dewey Decimal System while doing my term papers for high school and college. Now I simply fire up the computer and start surfing to find out what I want to know. How times have changed.
Pharmacymom
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 09/03/2007 : 09:23:29
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Good one seadog. I got a really good chuckle out of that one.
Pharmacymom |
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