 |
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
 Posted - 06/14/2006 : 00:33:23
|
More tech support Stories:
Someone called to say there was something wrong with her printer. It will print every color but yellow. After having her check the ink cartridge, update the driver, reinstall the printer, clean the nozzle, nothing would work. He was just about to tell her to bring the printer back to the store when she said, "Maybe I should try printing on some other paper instead of this yellow stuff."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Another gal took her printer back to the store and said it smears everything she prints. The tech supp. person said, "Well, let's give it a try." So he hooked it up and started to print a test page and when it was just about finished, the woman yanked the page out and said, "See what I mean?"
|
 |
|
|
Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 00:57:34
|
Here are some funny answering machine announcements:
"Hi...Now you say something."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and why you called. At the sound of the beep, please hang up."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and If I don't call back, it's you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean all they really need to say is, 'We aren't in. Leave a message.' That's why I decided to keep mine short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
|
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 02:19:08
|
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just proclaim darkness as the new de facto standard. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 02:23:36
|
This is an old one, but still funny (I think). It's claimed it's a true story but...
"WordPerfect Technical support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
....."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
....."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
....."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really! Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
|
|
|
|
LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 05:54:16
|
| Good one, zak. I remember that from too many years ago. I've always thought it was the best computer tech joke! |
|
|
|
Deirdre
Senior Member
2200 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 06:22:32
|
| These are fabulous...what a great way to start the morning! |
|
|
|
Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 06:30:36
|
Good morning Zak, Linda and Deirdre!
Those were good, Zak! I hadn't heard any of them before!
Have a great day! I'm off to work.
Gary |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
deleted
178 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 08:38:38
|
those are good. Keep em coming  |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 12:21:35
|
| I've been loving the stuff posted here. Glad I could contribute too I've got another couple of goodies - but I'll need to do a bit of digging in my inbox first. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2006 : 16:20:42
|
Customer: I get an 'Access Denied' message every time I log in.
Tech Support: Ok. Please, make sure your are typing your username and password correctly.
Customer: Yeah, they are correct.
Tech Support: Ok. Type them again. (pause) What did you get?
Customer: 'Access Denied' again.
Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but now use lower case.
Customer: But, I only have capitals on my keyboard. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2006 : 16:28:05
|
How to annoy the IT Department...
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power up at all.
When I.T. support sends you e-mail marked "high priority", delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, contradict us. We love a good argument.
When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" THAT motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer stuff". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as stuff.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support - hanging a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends, that it be only performed by a professional engineer, with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People like to keep abreast of what's going on.
When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere. |
Edited by - *user deleted* on 06/16/2006 16:30:08 |
|
|
|
LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2006 : 16:59:06
|
Zak, that's great. I sent it to several of my tech friends!
Thanks.
..Linda |
|
|
|
Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/17/2006 : 07:49:50
|
Since the jokes are seeming to get longer & longer. try this on for size:
Profound Post-Modern Axioms
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos you never know what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
15) The more **** you put up with, the more **** you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
22) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
23) What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!
24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap! |
|
|
|
Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/17/2006 : 09:13:02
|
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin. (NO PEEPING)
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread."
Go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World.
If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Wilford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope they do better than you did. |
|
|
|
*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/17/2006 : 16:21:54
|
quote:
Originally posted by Fabrat
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Good stuff , especially these two... |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
|
© 2011 The Kim Komando Show, All rights reserved. |
|
|
|
|
|
KIM'S CLUB ![The Kim Komando Show [Logo]](http://static.komando.com/websites/www.komando.com/www/kk_header_footer/v9/img/komando-header-logo.png){kind=logo}
Jokes of the day