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BillMsenior
Advanced Member
9288 Posts |
 Posted - 08/03/2007 : 01:37:33
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If I wore leotards, I'd get arrested for indecent exposer.
No trees were killed in the posting of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced. |
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Primrose
Intermediate Member
1297 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2007 : 04:12:28
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As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a
little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to harassing
and nagging at her poor little husband.
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a
tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt
and more rumbling thunder. The tired little old man looked at the
pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
Primrose
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2007 : 05:05:27
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I always get a laugh on this page, and billmellon, I would also get arrested for indecent exposure for wearing leotards. I got a really good chuckle out of your comment.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2007 : 17:18:29
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More lawyer jokes:
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
Q:Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A:No.
Reply: Good!
cwsnyder |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2007 : 16:58:22
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More lawyer jokes:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, he'll have the janitor do it. But, you'll get the following bill:
Item......................Charge.............(What it really means)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. Min.)$400.................you sucker
Connectivity charge.......$100.................he called janitor
Staff charges.............$250.................secretary prepared bill
Research fees.............$422.................BMW payment due
Consulting fees...........$431.................Sr. Partner's BMW bill
Specialized equipment.....$122.................bought bulb
Delivery expenses..........$34...............had messenger deliver it
Rule 453.957(B)(1)charge..$394.................2nd partner Volvo bill
Q:What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A: An offer you can't understand.
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
cwsnyder |
Edited by - cwsnyder on 08/05/2007 13:57:28 |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2007 : 07:11:15
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And yet, Another Lawer joke.
A young couple were scheduled to get married. While returning home from the rehearsal the eve before the wedding, they were killed in an auto accident.
Upon reaching Heaven they told Saint Peter that they would like to get married since they were to be married the next day.
Saint Peter told them that it was not neccessary to be married in Heaven. The young couple were persistant in their desires to be Husband and Wife even in Heaven. So, Saint Peter gave in and told them he would arrange the wedding and let them know when he was ready.
After a long time and no word from Saint Peter, they approached him and ask why it was taking so long to arrange a wedding. He told that the Angels were working on it and that he would let them know when everything was ready.
Many months later, Saint Peter finally told them that everything was ready, but still insisted that it was not necessary to be married in Heaven. They were married anyway. However, after a considerable time of being man and wife had passed they discovered that it was not necessary to be married and decided to get divorced. So, they requested an audience with Saint Peter and told him he was correct and that they would like to get a divorce. He agreed, and told them he would arrange it and would let them know when everything was ready. They ask him how long would it take. Saint Peter said that he had no idea, since it took ten years to find a Preacher to bring to Heaven there was no telling how long it would take to find a Lawer.
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Edited by - Seadog on 08/05/2007 07:14:43 |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 08/06/2007 : 09:09:08
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Short joke
Mother bathing 2-3 year old son.
Son touching his lips: "Lips"
Mother: That's correct, Dear.
Son touching his Ears: "Ears"
Mother: "Correct"
Son touching his eyes: "Eyes"
Mother: " Right,That's very good, Dear"
Son touching his Testicles: "Mother, are these my Brains?"
Mother: "Not yet Dear."
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Edited by - Seadog on 08/06/2007 09:10:58 |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2007 : 16:55:52
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Another day, another bad lawyer joke: I'll let you decide what is bad, the joke or the lawyer.
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1.There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2.The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3.No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
cwsnyder |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2007 : 17:49:56
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I received this story in an email... Thought someone might enjoy it.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE:
An older gentleman in Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. the man said, "O.K.," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the gentleman's residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to the man: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
The man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) - Don't mess with old people!! |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2007 : 06:58:33
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Sounds like the local police department here. Got a good laugh. Thanks.
Pharmacymom |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2007 : 15:26:17
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infohound, I really laughed over that one! Good one
Another in my lawyer joke trove:
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bulls__t, come!" Bulls__t entered and was told to do his stuff. Bulls__t immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
The name of the lawyer's dog was changed because this is a family site.
cwsnyder
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2007 : 11:14:44
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Politics has always been a family affair and the upcoming
presidential race will be no exception. Hillary Clinton has enlisted the help of her daughter, Chelsea, as she prepares her race for the White House.
Chelsea was sent out to interview soldiers returning from Iraq because Hillary is trying to build her case for removing the troops.
Chelsea was interviewing a young GI who just returned and asked him this question:
"When you were in Iraq, what three things were you most afraid of?"
The GI had to think for only a moment before answering....
"Osama, Obama", and Yo Mama!" |
Edited by - Seadog on 08/17/2007 11:16:49 |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 08/19/2007 : 17:24:01
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More lawyer jokes:
Good News:A bus-load of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News:There were three empty seats.
Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
cwsnyder |
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decaturpc
Intermediate Member
607 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2007 : 17:30:38
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I'm no good at telling jokes, that's why I like the ones without punchlines.
"A baby seal walks into a club..." |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2007 : 09:39:39
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir...,"Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends. |
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