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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
 Posted - 07/30/2007 : 16:59:59
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Guys and Gals,
I have about 7 pages of lawyer jokes which I harvested from GENIE back in the early 90's, but can't figure how to post all of them here. Any suggestions?
A sample:
Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
A: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.
Q: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
A: His lips begin to move.
Q:How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
I hope I don't offend any lawyers! (I can't afford the attorney fees to defend myself in a civil suit.)
cwsnyder |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 19:13:08
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Hi Cwsnyder... I do not know about the seven pages but I certainly enjoyed this one...Funny, and I have never met a lawyer yet who was capable of being offended.*
*( Disclaimer to above remark... Remark was not necessarily meant in a derogatory manner) I can't afford attorney fees either, too broke from buying HP ink cartridges. |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 19:59:05
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Lawers will not bother you if you have proper security.
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Here's how to install a Wireless Security System:
1. Go to a second-hand Store, Buy a pair of mens used work boots. A really BIG pair.
2. Put the boots outside your front door on
top of a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a dog dish, the biggest you can find,
next to the magazine.
4. Leave a note on your front door that reads
something like this:
“Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo, be back in about
half an hour, don’t disturb the Pit bulls, they’ve just been wormed and they’re irritable as Hell”.
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 20:28:16
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Quote:
Guys and Gals,
I have about 7 pages of lawyer jokes which I harvested from GENIE back in the early 90's, but can't figure how to post all of them here. Any suggestions?
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Snyder:
Post a few at a time, Keep them coming.
When you finish I'll post the "Tennessee Rules for hunting Lawers"
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maryl47
Intermediate Member
1145 Posts |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 06:28:30
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quote:
I hope I don't offend any lawyers! (I can't afford the attorney fees to defend myself in a civil suit.)
While I enjoyed all of them I laughed out loud at your disclaimer 
~Mary  |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 07:38:49
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I think very few of us could afford the lawyers fees. I know I could'nt.
Pharmacymom |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6303 Posts |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 07:40:53
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I have a neighbor that was never robbed. He has a sign on his front gate: "Beware of Pitbull with Aids"
Pharmacymom |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 09:43:30
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My neighbor across the street has a sign on their fence, "Beware Dangerous Wild Snakes". I have had a number of people ask me if it is true, I always say, "Who knows"?
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 11:12:16
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TICK WARNING! This came to be from a concerned friend.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are from the Public Health Department and are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They just want to see you naked. I wish I had learned about this scam earlier -- I feel so stupid!
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Edited by - Seadog on 08/01/2007 11:16:26 |
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maryl47
Intermediate Member
1145 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 11:33:18
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That's funny!!! However, the last thing I have to worry about is somebody coming to my door wanting to see me naked. 
~Mary |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 13:46:18
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Mary, maybe if we could get the scammers phone number, we could give them our addresses? Cure them in a hurry! 
..Linda |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 17:12:55
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Linda and Mary:
Now Ladies don't debase yourselves.
Remember, "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."
There's an old Navy saying that I like. "Any Port in a Storm."
Seadog  |
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cwsnyder
Intermediate Member
1020 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 17:18:27
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quote:
Originally posted by Seadog
Quote:
Guys and Gals,
I have about 7 pages of lawyer jokes which I harvested from GENIE back in the early 90's, but can't figure how to post all of them here. Any suggestions?
....................................................................
Snyder:
Post a few at a time, Keep them coming.
When you finish I'll post the "Tennessee Rules for hunting Lawers"
Is it similar to the following?
NEVADA 1991-1992 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON
ATTORNEYS
1.Any person with a valid Nevada hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2.Attorneys may be taken with traps and dead-falls. Currency may not be used as bait.
3.Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash.
4.It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a snowmobile, watercraft, or aircraft. Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms.
5.It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6.It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or Mercedes dealerships.
7.It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
8.Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies "Honest Lawyer." That particular variety is now extinct. Excessive harvesting of other species could dry up the supply of palm grease, cheap three-piece suits, and forked tongues that efficient dressing of lawyers' carcasses yield.
SPECIAL NOTE:There is a $500 bounty on Silver-Tongued Narcotics Dealer-Defenders. No season, no limit.
cwsnyder |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 21:09:39
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cwsnyder:
Is it similar to the following?
NEVADA 1991-1992 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON
ATTORNEYS
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, Very similar, except the Tennessee rules also list different types and bag limits. |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2007 : 19:20:51
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Age Jokes...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98", she replied. "Two years older than me". "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
All together now... Awwwwwww! |
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