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n3ynd
Intermediate Member
597 Posts |
 Posted - 06/21/2007 : 19:39:14
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A Penny Saved...
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2007 : 22:57:11
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I will feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under the tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them along as well," the lawyer said.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."  |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2007 : 19:01:33
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Two boys began to pray before bed time. One of the boys began praying very loudly,
I WANT AN XBOX, A PSP, A PS3, A NINTENDO WII...
The second brother asked, "Why are you yelling? God's not deaf!"
The first brother said, "I know, but grandma is!" |
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Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 00:40:25
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A senior citizen was worried that his wife was going deaf as she never answers him. He thought he would test her hearing. She was seated on the couch across the room, with her back turned to him. He said, in a normal voice, "Can you hear me?"
No response, so he walked half way across the room and said again, "Can you hear me?"
Still no response, so he went right up behind her and said in a loud voice, "Can you hear me?"
She turned around and said, "For the third time, yes, I can hear you!"
~Gary |
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Swani
Intermediate Member
1490 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 22:18:39
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Gary, that sounds like an old person joke  |
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pharmacymom
Advanced Member
6301 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2007 : 05:36:58
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Were they by any chance doing the Verizon Wireless commercial? Just kidding. My mom has hearing loss. She doesn't hear certain tones and voice ranges. But she would never admit it. She finally has a hearing aid and now we don't get the can you hear me questions. My mom is a young 82, living in NJ.
Pharmacymom |
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Phase
Junior Member
295 Posts |
Posted - 07/08/2007 : 04:38:20
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God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.'"
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into
the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the
soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt." |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 14:46:40
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quote:
Originally posted by Phase
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.'"
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into
the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the
soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
Phase, Did you get that from Joel Osteen? I listen to him too! He's a riot. |
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Phase
Junior Member
295 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 17:31:02
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You caught me  |
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Phase
Junior Member
295 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 17:38:28
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A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables;
and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack,
a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying
" Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score,
then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his light came to rest on a parrot.
" Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
To which the bird replied, "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." |
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infohound
Senior Member
3912 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 19:17:38
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| phase... Only after I posted this joke did I read all of the ones posted before and I realized that credit for this joke goes to Snowball who originally posted it on page 8... Only goes to prove that Snowball discovered a funny and, evidently, very repeatable joke. |
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Phase
Junior Member
295 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2007 : 03:18:07
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| now That's embarrassing. I can't even steal a joke any more. Proof that my memory is gone because I have read them all. LOL Sorry Snowball |
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1417 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2007 : 10:42:57
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No need for apologies. I know some of the jokes that were posted have been repeated. I've probably done that from time to time. I admit that I have never read this thread in its entirety so there are probably a few that I've repeated, even from myself. I've back-tracked as far as I could read without losing track of where I was. |
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Uriah
Senior Member
3604 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2007 : 11:30:35
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A fellow was about to tee off on his first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he is the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them...
Start each day with a smile! It will confuse everyone!
Uriah |
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Seadog
Intermediate Member
1078 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2007 : 18:21:52
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PHASE:
Don't feel embarrassed, That joke has been around about as long as Moses. I heard it a long time ago. Thanks Snowball for posting it. It's still funny.
.....................................................................
"Quote"
now That's embarrassing. I can't even steal a joke any more. Proof that my memory is gone because I have read them all. LOL Sorry Snowball.
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