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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
 Posted - 06/09/2006 : 12:34:59
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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Swani
Intermediate Member
1490 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2006 : 12:45:17
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That's funny.  |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2006 : 23:06:30
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Subject: Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
B****...
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brandywine
Intermediate Member
1396 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2006 : 09:43:24
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quote:
Originally posted by Fabrat
Subject: Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
This was good!!!
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2006 : 10:54:58
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Subject: Company perspectives [reflective humor]
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management.
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
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*user deleted*
Intermediate Member
1277 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2006 : 14:16:22
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Sorry to drag the level of humour down a notch (or two):
Man goes to see the doctor...
'Doctor, doctor I think I'm a dog'
'OK, better take a seat on the couch'
'I'm not allowed on the couch'. |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2006 : 16:10:39
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| Fantastic - you guys are great. I love every one of the jokes. Fabrat, you and my husband have the exact same humor. When I read your joke, I could almost hear my husband saying the words and telling the joke! |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 07:19:34
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Thanks, I think, you didn't say if you liked his humor?? Well here's one for the ladies
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage . If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh, this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch." |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 08:36:28
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Fabrat, I adore my husband's (and your) humor. Still after 18 years, he makes me laugh every day. Loved the blonde joke, too! Keep 'em coming.!
..Linda |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 16:01:48
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Here's some new ones:
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: You r password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Swani
Intermediate Member
1490 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 16:21:35
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They were great!  |
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LLZKC
Senior Member
1708 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 17:26:43
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| I knew you'd enjoy them, Swani! |
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Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 22:53:56
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Those were really funny, Linda! I know some people at work like that!
Here's one about housework Cheryl's friend sent her:
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.....
7. Feel better? Works for me!
Gary |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 22:55:14
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Engineers - Take One
***********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
******************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him." (dramatic pause)
"Hi Fred. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
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"Normal people ... believe that if it ain''t broke, don''t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain''t broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."
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Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
lab and get some work done."
********************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog....... now that's cool." |
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Beta_Gary
Junior Member
381 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 23:43:45
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Those are some good ones too, Jim! Gee, one would think you're an engineer or something!
Then there the new gal in the office that was sitting there, staring at her computer monitor for several minutes. Then she folded her arms, still staring at her monitor. Then she started tapping her foot, impatiently, with a disgusted look on her face. Finally, someone came over and asked her, "Can I help you with something?"
The new gal said, "Well, it's about time! I pushed F1 20 minutes ago!" |
Edited by - Beta_Gary on 06/13/2006 23:44:44 |
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Fabrat
New Member
69 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2006 : 23:54:46
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| No, I'm not an engineer. But I have to work around them, sometimes literally, since we can't figure out what they just said. I think they take some of the same courses that doctors do. |
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